Relationships are hard. They require a lot of time and patience and you’ll often go through several bad ones before finding the one. Of course, there are some behaviours that are unhealthy in a relationship that can help you foster your's in all the best ways.
When entering a new relationship, it’s easy to be smitten and overlook the red flags. But it’s important to be aware of these behaviours that are unhealthy in a relationship, if you want your relationship to be the best it can be.
1. He Doesn’t Trust You
Everything comes back to trust. You should trust your partner, and he should give you no reason to distrust him. Yes, trusting someone is hard. But the more genuine, deserved trust in your relationship, the healthier it will be. Therefore, a lack of trust is one of the worst behaviours that are unhealthy in a relationship.
2. He Always Needs to Know Where You Are
A controlling partner is not a healthy partner, and this can show itself in a variety of ways. The most obvious of which is needing to know where you are at all times. Not only is this exhausting and invasive, it shows a lack of trust.
3. Doesn’t Want You Talking to Other Guys
This reflects a desire for control and a lack of trust. You are adults in an adult relationship. You can talk to who you like, and trying to control this is creepy.
4. Messages Your Ex for Information
Whether you’re on good terms with your ex or not, going behind your back to message him is low. Whatever the reason, it indicates a lack of open communication in your relationship. If you can’t talk to and trust each other, why are you even together?
5. Accuses You of Things
If he accuses you of things, it means he doesn’t trust you. Even worse, it can tell you a lot about him. If he’s accusing you of cheating, going behind his back, or whatever else, it means he doesn’t trust you or respect you.
6. Blames You for Things
Some arguments will be your fault, but if you find things are always your fault, he may be twisting things to blame you. Have you done something bad, or is he just putting the blame on you? This is something seen in abusive relationships. It’s always twisted to appear like it’s the victim’s fault.
7. Cuts You off from Friends
This can be overt or covert. He may not be comfortable with you talking to your male friends, or may encourage you to dislike your BFF. “She doesn’t like me and she’s trying to split us up,” he may say. If you have no friends, you’re less likely to leave him. This is controlling and not healthy.
8. Says It’s about "respect”
“You wouldn’t do that if you respected me”. This wording is deliberate. It puts the blame and fault on you. But if he respected you, he’d give you total agency over your life and body. You are an adult. If he tries to spin the respect angle, he doesn’t respect you.
9. You Don’t Meet His Friends or Family
Why keep them from you? is he ashamed of you? Does he not trust you? Is he not serious about you?
10. You Have No Life outside of Him
The most important thing in a healthy relationship is that you have a life outside of each other. If he is your whole world or are you free? In a healthy relationship, you’ll have your own friends, job and hobbies. Your partner should add to your life, not consume it.
11. He Doesn’t Respect Your Sexual Boundaries
Even when you are dating someone, you do not owe them your body. If they try and talk around this, convince you to try something you have said no to, or don’t respect your contraception decisions, you need to run for the hills. It’s your body, not his.
12. Big Life Decisions
Life changing decisions should come with compromise from both sides. Relationships should have equal give and take. If he expects you to move or quit your job for him, but he won’t do it for you, that isn’t fair.
13. “if You Love Me…”
If you love me, you’ll do this or that. This is incredibly manipulative. Not only that, but it cheapens your love. "If you love me, you won’t abuse our love for your own gain."
14. Very Sexual with No Emotion
Yes, sex will be more important to some. But you need to be on the same page. Entering into a committed, monogamous relationship requires emotional commitment and intimacy as well as physical love.
15. He Insults You
Some guys aren’t very forthcoming with their emotions, and may insult or joke with you to cover this. But insults, even as a joke, can crush your self-confidence. In a relationship, you must learn to be more honest and open with your feelings.
16. Double Standards
He’s allowed to go out and you’re not? He can watch porn but you can’t? These behaviours aren’t healthy because a relationship should be between two equals with control over their own lives. Besides, he’s your partner, not your keeper!
17. Obsessed over Petty Things
If he obsesses over things you find petty, it might be a sign you’re not compatible. He obsesses over your ex, how you dress or wanting to go on a night out? It can mean he’s childish, or controlling. You’re adults. He needs to grow up.
18. Your Friends or Family Don’t like Him
Chances are, your friends and family have been in your life for a long time. They will always have your best interests at heart, so you can always trust that they aren’t deliberately trying to hurt you. If you don’t like what they’re telling you, you may think they don’t know the real him, but your friends are probably more clued in than you think.
19. You Fight a Lot
This may be controversial, but fighting all the time is not a good thing. Yes, you will disagree on some things, but if you disagree on major things or find yourself arguing over petty things, that’s a problem.
No relationship is perfect, but if your relationship hits a lot of these, maybe take a step back and wonder why. Yes, it can be difficult to find a healthy balance, but unhealthy relationships will hurt you in the long run. A quote from the show BoJack Horseman put it best. “When you look at someone through rose-tinted glasses, the red flags just look like flags.”