10 Misconceptions about Abusive Relationships ...

By Shannon

10 Misconceptions about Abusive Relationships ...

Regardless of how intelligent and confident we are, some of us still have misconceptions about abusive relationships. I should know - I was in one through most of college. There have been plenty of times when I've thought of how things could have been had I never met him or listened to my friends when they tried to tell me how hurtful and fake he really was. I thought his behavior toward me was somehow my fault, but now I know that isn't true. In fact, a lot of things I thought weren't true. So you won't make the same mistakes I did, here are a few of the more common misconceptions about abusive relationships.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Please subscribe for your personalized newsletter:

1

People Who Stay in Abusive Relationships Must Be Stupid/weak

One of the biggest misconceptions about abusive relationships is that survivors (I hate the word "victim") seek these relationships out. Perhaps that would be true if you could tell an abuser early, but this almost never happens. Think about it: if a guy hit or insulted you on the third date, you'd think he's insane and drop him flat. Abusive patterns usually emerge after some sort of anchor - emotional attachment, legal ties, having children together, etc. - has been formed. This is part of what makes abusive relationships so difficult to leave - they affect so many parts of your life that leaving can literally mean starting over. My ex and I weren't married and didn't have any children together, but we must not underestimate the power of emotional connections and the sort of manipulation abusers tend to employ.

2

It's Only Abuse if He's Hitting You

This is what I thought too, which is why I didn't see the relationship for what it was. Things like putting you down, playing stupid mind games, picking fights, lying, trying to guilt-trip into doing things you don't want to do and otherwise making you feel bad about yourself is abusive too.

3

You Somehow Deserve It/brought It on

I don't care what you did or didn't do, it is never acceptable for someone who claims to love you to treat you this badly. Abusers control you by making you think that you deserve the type of treatment you're getting or that you can't get any better. I always thought that I had to do what would make other people happy and that hurting someone made me a bad person, which he used against me on a number of occasions. I know now that his behavior had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Even if you're more confident than that, he can still control you by threatening to take your children or otherwise exploiting whatever anchor you have.

4

Being in a Relationship Means He Has the Right to Insist on Sex

This is something my ex used to do all the time. I can completely understand why someone might think this, but it's not true. You might have enjoyed sex before, but that doesn't mean you have consented to this particular act at this particular time. Besides, isn't sex in a relationship supposed to involve some sort of love? There's no love in forcing or coercing someone to do something they don't want to do.

5

He's Jealous Because He Loves You

Some people think it's sweet that he wants to be with you all the time, or that his need to know where you are and who you are with at all times just means he wants you to be safe. This might have been true for your parents, but not for your partner. If he tries to isolate you from others either by actively being rude toward your friends (as what happened with me behind my back) or needing to be in your presence at all times, there's a big problem.

Famous Quotes

Silence at the proper season is wisdom, and better than any speech.

Plutarch
6

This Doesn't Happen Very Often, Just when...

It shouldn't be happening at all. Real men deal with their problems in a mature, adult way rather than the childish ways we saw on the playground in third grade.

7

He Apologizes or Feels Guilty, so It's Going to Be Okay

No, it's not. This is part of the pattern. If you call him on his behavior or leave, he's likely to do whatever he has to - gives you things, pledge to treat you better, agree to counseling, etc. - to keep you. Once he's confident that he's back in your good graces, he'll be up to his old tricks. This is what happened with me and what happens with pretty much every other abusive relationship. One question to ask yourself is that, if he says he means it this time, why didn't he mean it before?

8

Things Will Change if You Lose Weight/are Better in Bed/dress Nicer

Not true. Abuse has nothing to do with any dissatisfaction with you. It's about control. He will always find some sort of fault, regardless of what you do.

9

If This Was Abuse, Someone Would Tell Me

Not necessarily. This is one reason he'll attempt to isolate you from others - he doesn't want to be called on his behavior. Even if someone's friends do try to tell them their partner is abusive, they're not likely to listen because they'll remember all the good things (however few they are) about the relationship and make some sort of excuse - he was stressed, I made him mad, etc. No matter how stressed someone is, they are not entitled to mistreat the people around them. Also, abusers often have a way of making themselves seem a lot better - more charming, nicer, more considerate - than they really are. Remember, Ted Bundy seemed smart and charming too. Most abusers aren't serial killers, but you get the point. They're good at putting on a face.

10

Just Leave

This is probably the most common misconception about abuse: the assumption that a woman who is being abused can just eave. It's not that simple. First of all, more than half of women who are killed by an abusive partner are killed after they leave. In short, when a man threatens to kill you if you leave, you have to believe him, and have a definite safety plan in place before you go, if you decide to go at all. It's just not as simple as grabbing your purse and heading out the door, and while it's nearly impossible for someone on the outside, who's never been abused, to believe, it's true.

I will never understand why a person who claims to love someone else will treat them badly, let alone abuse them. At least now I know the truth about who my ex was and how he behaved. Have you or anyone you love ever been in a relationship like this? What sorts of things have you heard that you later found not to be true?

Feedback Junction

Where Thoughts and Opinions Converge

I was in an abusive relationship from 15-20 , I was so young , I thought everything was normal , my vision on love was altered , I thought everything was ok , I only regret the time I wasted on this person who didn't deserve it or me , and the friends I hurt along the way . I agree with the author on the first point , it's not masochists who can't get out, the abuser makes u feel like without them in ur life , it would not only crumble to pieces but it won't be worth living anymore . I now know what a great person I am , I also noticed that they're plenty more fish in the sea , and unlike he said some of them are pretty interested :)

THATS ALL ME RITE THERE

Earlier in the year I haas an abusive ex and didn't realize it until my sister pointed it out to me and now that I think of it, its really scarey to think that myself our someone close to me could have been hurt by him...

I'm now finally free after being in an abusive relationship for over 20 years. I felt so small and insignificant, that no one else would care. Reading this brought back so many memories, demanding sex and punishing me if I didn't comply, putting me down, stopping me going out with guilt trips. I took him back 4 times after he left me for other women, even after I had him arrested for beating me....he made me feel bad, told me I wasn't trying hard enough to fight for our relationship. Finally 18 months ago he met someone else and moved in with them. I moved on after a lot of depression, insecurities and heartache, and now he wants me back!! Poor him, I can see past his lies, apologies and guilt trips now, he tries once a month but fails every time. I am stronger and better for all he put me through and I finally believe in myself.....it's always hard in the beginning but I wish I'd had the courage years ago :)

Ladies, your stories scare me! There is a ton of help and support out here for what so many of you are experiencing. So many of you recognize the abuse, you see the problems...take the next step! Get out and get help! This is the hardest step, the most difficult decision you have to make, but I assure you, we are here to catch you when you make the leap of faith in yourself.

(author) #In retrospect, I'll add that "it's not as bad as X had" or "other people have it a lot worse" isn't a reason to stay. I thought that a lot. I felt as thought hurting someone made me a bad person. I felt as thought saying my situation or the things my ex would do (I rarely said "no" because I thought it was something I "just had to do" or did it so he'd shut up about it) were abuse/rape would somehow "lessen" the term, would be an insult to people who were "really" raped. Some people might see it that way but it's not the name but the effect something had on you that matters. Sorry to go on again, but I just noticed this.

I apologize for being a man on a womans only site. i don't mean to over step any boundaries nor offend any of u. This to me is my way of learning to deal with issues of my own. i first went to prison at 15-18, out till i turned 21 and didn't get out till i was 28. im now 32. serious long term committed relationship was all new to me and i realized i had some bad qualities i needed to figure out how to fix. Its sites like these that help me figure out the symptoms and issues and just reading ur stories allows me to connect and see how these traits offend and upset women and make me as a person say i don't want to make the woman i love feel this way. i have been with my jr sweet heart for 3.5 years now and im sorry but i was a complete ass. Thank each of u for sharing and i pray u each find ur happiness.

Related Topics

7 Positive Things about a Long Distance Relationship ... questions to ask myself about my relationship is money match legit 7 Simple Things to do for Your Partner when Theyre Unwell ... tips on how to be happy being single 7 Ways to Keep the Spark Going between You and Your Partner ... 8 Things No One Tells You about Marriage ... 7 Things You Should Keep in Mind before Entering a Relationship ... 7 Bad Marriage Habits You Should Stop Today ... 7 Romanticized Couples We Should Stop Looking up to ...

Popular Now