All couples have arguments and in some relationships it is healthy and a way to resolve conflict. The problems arise when your fights become unhealthy and are a sign that all is not well in love land. The trouble is it’s often very difficult to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy fights: some help you clarify and heal, others are frequent, trivial and damaging. Here are some ways to avoid your arguments being unhealthy to your relationship:
1 Listen to Each Other
One of the ways to avoid unhealthy arguments is to really listen to what your partner is saying rather than putting on the invisible headphones and refusing to hear their side. If you go in to an argument not willing to actually talk, instead just wanting to shout your opinions across and get them off your chest, then no middle ground is ever going to be found and the argument will continue to rage on until a breaking point comes.
Frequently asked questions
2 It’s Not a Contest
Arguments, when they are at their healthiest, are simply a coming together of two people who have differing opinions who should seek to find a compromise amidst the conflict. The worst mindset that you can have when going in to an argument is that you want to win at all costs. This is not the school playground and you are not battling for a prize; you are just airing your feelings with the hope that things can be learned and changed on both sides.
3 Control Anger
The moment when an argument becomes irretrievably unhealthy is when the anger reaches a boiling point and starts to take over from common sense and courtesy. Just because you are disagreeing with your partner, it doesn’t mean that you have to argue your case in an aggressive or offensive way. In fact the healthiest and most effective arguments are those where neither party feels threatened by the other.
4 Repeated Arguments
There is nothing to kill a relationship like arguing about the same tired things time and time again. Having to fight about the same subjects means that the arguments you are engaging in are completely redundant and ineffective, and it also means that neither of you have learned from past mistakes which in turn should make you question the merits of the relationship.
5 Too One Sided
The beauty of a healthy argument is in the format in which both parties are allowed to take turns and express their grievances in a revolving manner. If you or your partner always end up taking over and ranting without giving the other a chance to reply or provide an answer, then there is absolutely no point in having the argument in the first place. In fact, it’s not an argument; it’s just an angry tirade.
6 No End
Unhealthy arguments in relationships can be extremely detrimental because they don’t ever seem to end. Healthy fights and disagreements all have a defined finish point where opinions have been shared and compromises made, but an argument that does not finish properly is a breeding ground for grudges to be held and partnerships to suffer.
7 Raised Voice
There is absolutely no reason why an argument should have to descend in to raised voices and lost tempers. A measured discussion turning in to a loud shouting match is never going to bring any results or closure that could help to heal a relationship. When we are at out most childish we are at risk of doing the most damage.
8 Threatening Abandonment
If you're saying that you're leaving, stay away, or get out, these phrases can cause more stress and hurt towards your partner. Fear of loss and worthlessness isn't a good experience for anyone. Usually these words are said in the heat of the moment and are retracted later. Only say you're leaving if you truly mean it.
9 Blaming on Your Partner
Who is to blame? It's easier to put all the blame and responsibility of the fight onto your partner, but that might not be the case every time. The relationship usually takes a hit when either partner agrees or disagrees with who the culprit is. To resolve the problem, this requires both partners to be willing to look at their own reactions. It's best to not point fingers and to talk things through.
10 Holding Grudges
Bringing up dirt from the past results in a larger argument. If you're having trouble letting go, think about the person you're with and if you'll ever be able to get over what happened. Is it worth it to hang on, letting it continue to bother you? Is it worth letting it get in the way of your future together?
Where love and respect are the bedrock of a relationship, misunderstandings and miscommunications are dealt with reasonably and knowingly. Anything else – well only you will know. How often do you argue? Has even just answering that question made you think?
