Here's my friends with benefits experience. I hope it helps you see the pros and cons before you go into a similar relationship.
I would be lying if I said that it had not affected me in any way. Seriously, sometimes I wish it did not. Any of it. All three stories. The three of THEM.
Perhaps, I should start off and say that last year was the first time in my life where I tried to give the friends with benefits situation a try. But then I started falling for the guy. Well, one out of three guys. Welcome to my life of being a girl who is not into the whole ‘hook up’ generation. If anything, I find that sleeping with someone or even just kissing them, without there being some form of label established beforehand is heartbreaking.
So, let’s take a trip down memory lane…
THE ACTOR
It was my twenty-fourth birthday when the actor and I had reunited after three or so years since we met in college. We met after I had responded to his open film production crew call for a short film he was shooting in the upcoming weeks. After meeting for the first time, I started developing a crush on the guy. But at nineteen, I was terrified of boys and it did not help that I was really, like REALLY, shy.
A few weeks later, it was production time for his short film. I showed up early and so did the other Production Assistant (PA for short). As embarrassing as this is to admit now—but for real, most of us GIRLS have felt like this before—I got into a weird funk when the other PA turned out to be some other girl. I could not hate on her either because she was cute, skinnier, and prettier…
Yeah, see where my mind went, therefore, by the time I saw the ACTOR, I was already in less of a mood, let alone having my ego smashed. For the rest of that day, he and I said very little to each other which was considered normal for me at the time. Whenever I was into a guy, I would close off and struggle with ways to even say hi. I was ‘that girl’ who would get all nervous, tongue tied, and even purposely ignored a guy to avoid any potential confrontations.
But while on set, it occurred to me that the other PA gal was, in fact, dating someone else. Yeah, I was sure of it too. She was stressing about call out time and if she would have time to get ready and go to the club. Still, for whatever reason, I had an assumption that she and the ACTOR had some fling going on.
Until some of the crew got talking how they all met the ACTOR. That was the moment when I really could not be quiet. Most of them met the ACTOR through mutual friends and colleagues.
I told them that the ACTOR and I met after responding to his crew open call. They exchanged a quick glance, smiling. Before I had the chance to ask, the ACTOR walked into the room, asking if we could help set something up for a camera shot. To be honest, I do not really remember. All I recall next was my confidence level spiking up to the roof because, by the end of the shoot, I had approached him, cracking jokes about something. At least, it got him laughing.
But it was also the last time I saw him, until the night of my twenty-fourth birthday.
It was a random invite that got him and his buddy to come to a winery place in Studio City. And thanks to the wonders of alcohol, I told the ACTOR how I had that major ass crush on him back in college. I even turned to his buddy, who I later found out is this big TV ACTOR, expressing my frustration how the ACTOR always talked about work and, well, I wanted him to make a move.
It was a UH OH territory from there. The TV ACTOR looked at his friend and took a drink of whatever hard liquor he had ordered from the new bar we made a pit stop at. The ACTOR was shocked, asking me, “Wait, what,” twice. And you sort of get the picture from there—the whole, “I was always into you but thought you were taken/Was too shy to make a move.” I was really drunk since a buddy of mine bought me my fourth birthday drink for the night—to be honest, I have NO IDEA how I was not sick the following morning because, well, a few drinks later…
The ACTOR and I were all over each other, something which shocked my friends because I was never like that, especially in a public setting. We went back to my friend’s house as a group, drinking more. He took forever to make a move on me. I remember telling him that and then he grabbed and kissed me. His TV ACTOR buddy was crossfaded and kept pestering us to just go into the other room and, “FUCK.”
For your information, NO the ACTOR and I never fully hooked up (sorry mom, not sorry). This ‘fairy tale,’ was cut to the chase, was short-lived and ended in a very painful way. He had just dumped his girlfriend only a month prior to my birthday, so the air—at least, to me—was unclear. And then I sort of became that ‘drunk girl’ after a close loved one had passed just two weeks after my birthday—the moment where I last felt, well, ‘happy’ for quite some time.
I had invited the ACTOR down to my house after some family and close friends of my mother’s left the house for the ‘celebration of life’ for my stepdad, Jeff—well, technically it was my brother-in-law, after I had divulged to my cousins what went down on my birthday. My brother-in-law had asked what was bothering me to ask the ACTOR to stop by. I told him it was obvious, considering it was the day of our loved one’s funeral earlier and, now, the aftermath of it.
He said it was more of a reason to invite the ACTOR down to the house, to “just hang out,” my brother-in-law told me.
And the ACTOR showed up in minutes with his BUDDY.
I wish I could say that things had improved from there on, but it got worse for different reasons. One of them being that I had confronted him, perhaps, too soon with the whole, “Hey, what the hell is going on here with us,” on that night he stopped by the house. We were both drunk and stoned as hell, but I do remember the moments. One, in which he told me that he would date me and take me out, whereas, the other part (what he told me prior to my birthday semi-hook up) he just wanted to have fun.
So, I thought what the hell and flat out told him that we should just be fuck buddies. Now you see, I think where they mess up in the movies is they typically portray the men who make that offer. Not in this case. If anything, the ACTOR looked upset and even backed away when I tried to kiss him.
And to make matters even more confusing and, what would eventually be for me, more heartbreaking was when we started going at it in front of both of my friends and family.
Just THANK GOD, my mother was out of sight. To be honest, I had no idea where she and some of her friends were. All I remember was whispering into the ACTOR’S ear, in-between our make out session in front of my peers, was that we should go somewhere private. We did—his car—where we continued to go at it.
One thing led to the next, eventually making me bring up that we should go back to his place to hook up. Instead of agreeing with me, he stopped and was mad at me. I had asked what was wrong. He said that having sex was not about “hooking up” or just “fucking” someone, but making love to another person. It was sort of the moment where we stopped doing, well, everything, especially when his ex-girlfriend got brought up. He was upset with her, making it sound like she gave him the ultimatum of having an acting career OR settling down and getting married and having kids. He made it CLEAR on the night of my birthday that he wanted to only focus on his career, to which I responded that everyone in the industry is focusing on their career.
He said he liked that I said that.
Back in his car, matters only got worse when his BUDDY came to the car, yelling at the ACTOR that he had to go because of an early call time. Before he left, he told me to text him when everyone was asleep because I was still down to fuck.
We texted, but he never responded to my text, “Yeah, everyone is asleep.” But I fell asleep anyhow. That was the last time we spoke, until two weeks later when one of my friends and I decided to go out because he was leaving town. It was sort of a mini-goodbye party. With everything going on—life after losing someone and learning how to adapt change, considering that we were already boxing up his belongings—I got sick, running a fever and a head cold. Unfortunately, my friend who was leaving had sort of guilted me into going. His response to my text, “Hey, I’m not feeling too well and think we should go out another time,” was anything but supportive. He pulled the, “Wow, I’m leaving and you don’t care.”
So, I went out of guilt, but at the time, I thought going out to a bar/club would do me justice by just getting out of the house. I took some medicine before I left and once we got to the bar/club, my friend’s plan of getting fucked up was clear. He bought a table, but no one had shown up. Just us two.
I had a drink before I began to black in and out, forgetting that I took medicine for my fever and head cold and the fact that depression was keeping me from eating a full meal. I was not eating at all, to be honest; if anything, I was sleeping more and more and struggling to hold some of my freelance work down because I was not dealing with what was triggering everything. It was something I later learned in grief counseling in the weeks to follow, telling my therapist of the ACTOR and what would later become the night that ended it all.
I had drunk texted and then dialed the ACTOR. He picked up right away. I told him to come because I was annoyed with my friend and wanted to be around someone I was into. The ACTOR said he was already drinking at home with a buddy. He invited us down, but all I remember was calling and calling the ACTOR throughout the night, even waking up the following morning with a missed Facetime call.
You can connect the rest of the piece in WHY we, I suppose, had a fallout. He stopped responding, but thanks to a thing called Snapchat, I could tell that he was viewing my stories. Right away too, whenever I posted something. I tried to ignore how much it had bothered me until he posted a trailer for a movie he was filming around the time we reconnected and a shoot he had invited me to (but I was unable to make it for obvious reasons). I saw the social media post of his movie trailer, as lame as it sounds, a way to make amends, I guess—it was the feature version of the short film in which I had helped him out in three or so years prior, aka that open crew call.
After some encouragement from a friend of mine, I texted the ACTOR after going weeks with no communication, a congratulations note, saying how I would like to basically make amends, considering how things ended last time.
He responded right away. A few days later, we were planning to grab a coffee. Only, I never heard from him.
Not wanting to be THAT GIRL (again), I shrugged it off, knowing he was booking more acting roles. I was also heavy into film editing since I had just shot two short films and if I was not busy with that, then I was writing. But as a month or so passed and this whole no response thing and seeing that he was looking at ALL MY FUCKIN’ SNAPCHAT stories, I became upset. Like a lot. One night, I started crying over it to a friend of mine, wondering what the hell was up. I already knew that I was basically a rebound over the whole ex-girlfriend thing.
What confused me more was the offer on the table of being fuck buddies with no strings attached.
So, you can imagine where feelings got all mixed and hurt when he made it seem like he wanted more from me, whereas, I did not. Roles sort of reversed when I had sent that text, telling him that I wanted to know where he stood because I liked him more than I thought—some of my girlfriends called me a dumbass for even liking the dude, to begin with.
And then the bittersweetness of a so-called fairy tale (aka, probably shit I made up in my mind) came to a halt when he responded that he would never date me, but does not hate me. Not going to lie, but I cried over that one and got a bit—yeah, yeah—petty over it. And then, it hurt, even more, when he started posting pictures with another girl. It was about a month or so after our text exchanges. I eventually unfollowed him.
For me, I suppose what made the ACTOR attractive was his goals in life. He has always been very detail-oriented and career driven, therefore, I found him inspiring.
The ACTOR was also the first person who encouraged me to direct my own screenplays, something that I still credit him for (believe it or not). But…
Words DO hurt. I have no hatred or I hope this piece does not come off as petty in any shape or form.
Well, at least for me, a few things came to my mind; one being that the ACTOR and I were both drunk, two being that he, unfortunately, saw me at a low moment in my life with personal things going on, and three, he was even going through a hard time with the whole ex-girlfriend part. Four, we just caught each other at shitty moments in our life.
I will always have love and respect for the ACTOR. It was something I did not realize until a few days ago when I followed him back on Instagram after unfollowing him as soon as our texting confrontation thing or whatever you want to call it. He seems to be doing well with his acting career, which I know he had mentioned. Oh…social media…
CLOSURE
In the twenty-five years since I have been here, it is always a learning experience. I have never been a firm believer of getting petty on an ex. This year was a lot of growth in all aspects of my life from career, relationships, and more relationships. Maybe I had to go through the three-back-to-back semi and full on hookups with these three particular dudes. I used to be so focused on the, “Why me/Why did I get dissed/I’m always getting dissed all of the time/Maybe I suck.” These sort of thoughts and assumptions on what went “wrong” or what they think of you just makes one, well, feel shittier.
I find writing about this to be more therapeutic than it was intended to be. For the longest time—a bit over a year to be exact—I was always attempting to write about these life situations. But it does take time. We often find ourselves wanting the answers now. And THAT has been an ongoing struggle of mine, based on everything that had occurred within the year.
I would like to think he feels the same way about that. Well, all three of them for the support side. Never be afraid either to tell them that, at least, that is how I feel and see it. It will forever be a work in-progress because this shit is more difficult than it appears to be.
For part II - come back at the same time tomorrow.