Want to know how finding the wrong man can help you find yourself? Ok, I won’t lie! I once ignored the rules of attraction and how we supposedly draw others to us based on our own energy, desires and ultimately our ISSUES, as well. Well, I won’t soon ignore such a powerful source anymore…and please allow me to tell you why you shouldn’t either!
I was married to a man who was ALWAYS too busy for me and our daughter. Without a doubt, he was completely absorbed in everything he did OUTSIDE of the family! Rather than witnessing him spending quality time with us, we noticed instead how disconnected he continued to be. He dedicated every moment to talking on his cell phone, texting, or hiding behind an industry magazine or newspaper. We lost him at some point in the relationship and I didn’t know how to get him back.
I will be honest enough to admit that I was once the type of woman that needed a father figure in my life. I was raised by a single mother and, as a result, dreamed of what it would be like to have a strong figure to serve as the head of our household. Well, in the beginning, that’s just what I ended up marrying and I couldn’t have been happier. I finally found my “daddy” and he sheltered me from harm, guided me and protected me. He was everything I always wanted for myself growing up and I couldn’t imagine having children with anyone other than what I had found. Needless to say, after several years of marriage, it became anything but a beautiful dream. His inability to connect with me, and my then refusal to deal with my own shortcomings, eventually led to our divorce. I was finally free to find another replacement. This time, I would find the RIGHT guy…or so I thought. But I did learn some stuff about how finding the wrong man can help you find yourself.
Soon after my divorce, I met another man who seemed to be the answer to my prayer. Well, as it turns out he was EXACTLY like my ex-husband: self-centered and WAY too busy for a relationship. Damn! Strike two! After yet another disappointment, I truly had no choice but to look at what it was about ME that continued to attract, or be attracted to, the same man over and over again.
In search of enlightenment, I eventually went to counseling, attempted meditation and prayer, and even talked to my elders to seek guidance and support. It wasn’t an easy road but eventually, I made it to my destination. I learned that maybe my journey wasn’t about finding my missing father in the men that I married or dated. Instead, my journey was all about ME! I realized that until I became brave enough to face my OWN issues of insecurity, lack of trust and an inability to love myself (the kind of love that encompassed self-respect, self-motivation, and self-appreciation), I would always be drawn to men that would keep me somehow feeding these insecurities within myself. I would attract to men who were too busy because deep down I didn’t really think I deserved anyone’s time and attention.
I attracted men who I thought would guide me because I didn’t trust my own ability to take control of my life and live it my way. Basically, I had to meet the girl in the mirror and find a way to become better acquainted with her and her alone. I’m still single, but you know what? I’m good with that. As it turns out, this journey wasn’t about finding the right man at all. It was about finding the independent woman living deep inside of me. It may have taken all of the wrong men to help me find her, but I’m so glad they did.
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