If you recognize certain signs in your partner, you need to know how to deal with a narcissist.
What is a narcissist or a NARC? In layman's terms, it's basically someone who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself or herself. However, the clinical term for a narcissist is someone with such an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of EMPATHY for others. BUT behind this facade of bullshit, is an individual with zero self-esteem that’s extremely vulnerable to even the slightest criticism. If you are married or are in a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and it has been diagnosed, RUN THE HELL AWAY, DON’T WALK, RUN!! No matter how much therapy these individuals receive, they will never get well. There is no magic fix for someone with NPD. They will never meet your expectations or be satisfied with ANYTHING in life. If it is not about them, then they can care less. Let’s discuss some “symptoms” of NPD and how to deal with a narcissist.
1. Grandiose Sense of Self-importance
Fake achievements, or talents turn this person into someone who thinks he's great and wonderful and way better than anyone else.
2. Fantasies of “success”, Power, Brilliance, Beauty Etc
It's all in their mind. They think they are a legend in their own lifetime.
3. Believe That They Are Special or “Unique”
Really they are your run of the mill ordinary Joe.
4. Require Excessive Amounts of Admiration
Get ready to set that alarm for that 1:00 pm. It's his “you’re so handsome alarm.” He need regular reminding that he's awesome of there will be trouble.
5. LACK EMPATHY
They do not care about YOUR feelings, their children’s’ feelings, or ANYONE’S feelings but their own.
6. They Are Always Envious of Others
EVEN YOU. You cannot be BETTER THAN THEM, you must be beneath them. Notice how a lot of women are “talked” into being SAHMs by their significant others or are not allowed to go to school to learn a trade because it will take away from the family? Complete and utter bullshit.
7. Show Arrogance and Holier than Thou Attitudes
Narcissistic people can become possessive. They want to be seen as superior even in the face of danger. YEP, they will place you in dangerous situations to prove a point.
8. THEY ARE CHEATERS!
THEY DON’T CARE IF THEY ARE CAUGHT! THEY LOVE THE THRILL! This is much more prevalent in men than in women (Sorry guys but so true).
9. They Are EXTREMELY CHARMING (ask Me How I Know)
They are so extremely difficult to live with. A narcissist will throw tantrums, lie, and sometimes steal to get what they want (usually a reaction from you).
10. Don’t Bother to Appeal to These People
More often than not, they don’t have a good side or any morality. It would be like persuading a cockroach from eating your food after you shut off the lights at night.
11. Do NOT Make the Mistake of Thinking That Someone with NPD Has Any Feelings for You or Anyone else
They only care about themselves. The end goal will ALWAYS be them.
12. They Are Always Stuck in “survival Mode”
If a narcissistic feels like they are being blocked or shut out, their “charm” will magically disappear. This is where the NARC makes himself THE VICTIM.
13. For a NARC, Life is Soooooo Unfair, so They Feel the Need to Break the Rules and Treat Others like Shit in Order to Achieve Their “goals”
“If it makes me feel good, it must be good” is their mantra.
They have very, very unrealistic goals and expectations, something that must have stemmed from their childhood or young adult lives (silver spoons, no boundaries, whatever they wanted).
Remember when I said to RUN AND RUN FAR??? I MEANT IT; however, there is a BUT!!
If you are indeed married to or are in a relationship with a person with NPD, HOLD YOUR GROUND! These selfish, self centered, self-entitled assholes are still “human” and shouldn’t be treated like monsters (even though most if not all, ARE). Here's how to do that.
1. Be Straightforward
Use descriptive words about their bad behavior.
2. Don’t Label Them
Don’t point out “John is NPD” instead say “we all know John is a liar and we should take his words with a grain of salt”. NPDs don’t and won’t admit to being NPD.
3. If YOU DON’T WANT to RUN and Want to STAY, STAND up for YOURSELF
4. ALWAYS HOLD YOUR GROUND
5. Do NOT APPEAL to THESE PEOPLE
This is an utter waste of time because they won’t change without that shove off the cliff.
6. THEY Are Responsible for Changing
NEVER, EVER change YOURSELF or compromise your values and morals to suit those of a person with NPD.
7. You Are Not Responsible for Their Happiness
8. Narcissism is a Learned Behavior
It is not something someone is born with. Remember that.
9. Do Not Condone Any Behavior from Someone with NPD
You will always be expected to condone whatever they do.
They ARE LIARS WHO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. Pathological is the word that comes to mind.
Here is what happens when you DO STAY with a Narcissistic person and the things that they will do to take advantage of you or pay you back if you piss them off
Idealization happens during the dating phase (honeymoon phase) when they “adore” you and put you on a pedestal. They whisper sweet nothings in your ear and tell you how they can’t live without you and you’re their world etc.… everything a person wants to hear. Shallow flattery, constant texting, and always wanting to be “around” and “there” for you. This is akin to a snake sizing up its prey before devouring it whole. You don’t mean shit to this person. This person wants you to be dependent on them (Co-dependency at its finest).
2. Devaluation Phase
This is when the shit bag throws you to the wolves and keeps you wondering what you did wrong. They begin their torment. They are hot and cold. They put you down, they stonewall you, they give you the silent treatment, and then they suck you back in with the idealization bullshit. Back and forth. It really fucks with the mind.
3. Discard Phase
You are no longer useful. You are easily discarded for another “conquest”. This phase is the most horrific and so, so painful. You are left for someone else, usually in the most humiliating and inhumane way. The narcissist will make sure to cause you a tremendous amount of pain, oftentimes in public and in front of their new “conquest”.
This is a favorite technique among narcissists and he uses it to convince you that you are crazy and your perception about his abuse is wrong. This person will tell you that you are imagining things. Sometimes they beseech you to even seek mental health services.
5. Smear Campaigns: Narcissistic Are Shape-shifters and Can Become a Different Person Right before Your Eyes
Don’t be surprised if a smear campaign is started about you after they discard you. They will paint you as unstable and too sensitive. Narcissists will hang out with like-minded people. No normal person will want to be around someone so vile.
This speaks for itself. Love triangles. A NARC cannot be alone or with just ONE PERSON. They have more than one partner (wife and girlfriend) one who cooks, cleans, cares for the home, does the laundry etc.… and the fun one who validates them and strokes their ego.
The false self and the true self: the NARC has two sides. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You will suffer some cognitive dissonance trying to reason with yourself who exactly you have lying next to you every night. You will blame yourself for the abuse and try to make improvements where none should be. You will turn yourself inside out. You have to know that you have done nothing wrong.
How do you get out? Divorce or separation is the only way. Please do NOT be scared to get out. Also, you must know that dealing with a narcissistic person during a divorce or separation is VERY HARD! They are extremely unreasonable. Be sure to document, document, and document some more. Oftentimes narcissists are very good at hanging themselves in court. They let their anger and stupidity get the best of them. Be cool, calm, and collected. Call bullshit when you hear it and have the evidence to back it up. Divorce judges are smart. Even with that said, get a lawyer that will go to bat for you. Being with a person with NPD is equivalent to being in an abusive relationship. Get your ducks in a row and get out. It is not the end of the road.