Divorce in the near future? Here are some reasons to not be afraid of divorce.
It's really not the end of the world. My marriage is dead. I grieved it and I mourned it. There are plenty of reasons to not be afraid of divorce. The end. This has been the biggest thing to ever happen to me and I'm 30 with a 2 year old. My dreams no longer exist and my world has shattered to bits, so I must start anew. A post mortem is what I had been performing on my relationship for 1.5 years. I asked myself questions like "what did I do? Why wasn't I good enough? Did I do something to deserve this?"
I remember two hours after I gave birth to my son, a bomb was dropped on my marriage. She told me she was sleeping with my husband. The happiest moment of my life was completely shattered and the future I envisioned for all of us, gone, poof, in a matter of minutes. I cried, I raged, I screamed, I wanted to die. I felt worthless and full of shame. He never told me he was unhappy, otherwise I would have let him go to live his life. I tried. I really did try to pick up the pieces, even marriage counselling, but it wasn't enough. I was forced out of my home with my then 7 month old baby.
Eventually I found middle ground. I was not quite so desolate, but not so great either. Not black or white, just gray. Everything was just gray. I kept telling myself "it could be worse, there's people out there in the world suffering worse than me". I had to change my thought process and, basically my way of life, in order to exist and survive. I wasn't living, I was existing and surviving. I did everything for my son, with the help of my family. I didn't take care of myself mentally. I took care of myself physically. I worked out like my life depended on it. I worked out my aggression, sadness, rage, and anger. I also worked out to get tired enough so I could sleep. Sleep was my friend. I didn't have to think when I slept.
I talked about my relationship breakdown with friends and family. At first I was afraid of dragging them into my mess and inconveniencing them, but they were there for me and they took care of me and my child. I was no longer alone. I was loved. This relationship breakdown has been at the center of my world. I've allowed it to be my centerpiece at holidays, the most important days to me. I've allowed the numbness to set in so I don't feel or enjoy anything.
Had I not gone through this chapter in my life, I never would have been able to care for myself the way I have been, let alone be able to take care of my son. Not only physically, but mentally and psychologically. I've had to stop labeling myself an asshole that let my marriage end, I've had to stop the self-loathing, shaming, and blaming for something I didn't do. I've realized that I have to take responsibility for the 50% of issues we had throughout our 8 year relationship, but I refuse anything that has to do with his decision to cheat. That was, and is, all on him. I've been battling horrendous anxiety and depression and I know that has been from the fear of letting go and living my life for me and my son. If I can't live for me, I can't take care of my son. The anxiety and depression was also due to the endless questions I had. It happened. It can't unhappen. I read the emails and messages. I can't unread them.
When I thought I was complaining and whining, it was actually my way of grieving my loss and finding a way to come to grips with it and accept it. I've shared myself with people that love me and also with complete strangers, hoping to let go of a lot of the anger and rage. It has worked some. I'm well aware that I'm not the only person that is going through this. Many women and men are going through the same thing that I am. Many are moving on, but many are also stuck. I was stuck. But I can't allow myself to be stuck anymore. My marriage is over. I accepted that a long time ago. It wasn't easy. I'm trying to accept the fact that it was so easy to be discarded like yesterday's garbage, not only me but my son as well. I know grieving and healing take time, but being in the same place twice? That will not be me.
This has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced, aside from my health issues over the hell I’ve been through, but I understand now that change can be very small and subtle yet also huge! I'm ok with knowing why some things happen and others don't. I used to say that he broke my heart and took the best years of my life, but I don't anymore because I have a beautiful child out of it. I have the capacity to live and love again. I have the capacity to forgive. Finally, I have the capacity to stop playing the blame game. He did it, it's done. It can't be undone. All I can do is move on with my life. If he is capable of change, then great. If not, then that's ok too. It's no longer my problem or my burden to carry. If someone refuses to learn from choices that have hurt people, they simply don't care and will go on to hurt others. That's not someone I want in my life or my son's life.
I will rise from these ashes as a phoenix, more beautiful than ever. I have a choice. I'm in control of my own life. For now I have what I need. I don't have everything I want, but I have what I need. And for now that's ok. Someday I'll meet someone who will love me and my child the way we deserve. He will treat us like we matter. We won't be a burden. We won't be abandoned. We will be cherished. My wish is to have someone to love my child as much as I do. For my son to matter.
I'm not where I want to be, but I will get there. I have bad days, but I also have some good days. The good days are far away but they are there. I do believe that marriage, love, and long-term commitment are possible if work is put into them by both parties. People can fall in love again. People can find each other again. My marriage resulted in my beautiful son, and if that's all that came out of it, I'll take it.
Don't fret. Don't be afraid. You will survive a divorce. You will live again. You will smile again. You will love again.