But they mean you're in trouble with him
Don't you hate it when after you break up with someone you start seeing hundreds of red flags you didn't pay attention to? And then you ask yourself "Why didn't I see those things before?"
Well, my dear, you just didn't look for them.
Searching for relationship red flags when you're happy is probably not your favourite thing to do right now, but maybe the fact you're reading this should tell you - there's already a bell ringing in your head. Let's see if you should pay attention to it.
There are plenty of red flags everyone tells you about, so you know that if he's a bit too controlling, overprotective or down talks to you - that's a loud alarm.
However, I don't want to talk about the obvious things here. There are 8 red flags in a relationship with a man no one talks about, but they should. Some of them are not even related to you. However, they will affect you if the relationship gets too serious one day.
How do I know them? I saw all of them in one man, and it didn't end well for me. So, from the bottom of my way-too-many-times-got-broken heart - be aware!
1. “Let's Take It Slow and See How It Goes...”
Yep, that's what he tells you at the beginning of your dating history, and you think "Wow, he's been hurt and he just wants to do it right this time...just like me." You might be right, I admit. But that's a rare case of honesty. However, "take it slow and see how it goes" is a huge red flag.
Well, it's more than clear that none of you will go further in the relationship before he feels ready to do so. But putting obvious breaks at the very beginning means he doesn't want you to get emotionally involved too much, because ... he doesn't want to get emotionally involved too much.
So one day, when he needs a few weeks "alone" and you're not alright with it, it's easier for him to say "I told you I want to take it slow, but it's going too fast. I need some time."
No, he doesn't say it because he's madly in love and needs time to comprehend his storming feelings for you. He’s just playing self-centred relationship game... with you.
He gets what he needs when he needs it, and you mistake it for a "protecting his heart" moment.
2. He Isolates Himself Once in a While and Doesn't Say Why
We all need some “me-time” once in a while. But your guy tends to disappear so bad that he's unreachable over the phone. He does it more than once throughout a few months and refuses to talk about it. He believes he has the right to be by himself, so he just does it.
Every time you try to talk about what bothers you, somehow you end up apologising and feeling like you interfere in his personal space.
No one’s "time alone" should look like total isolation from the world. Complete separation is an alarm, a red flag you shouldn't ignore in your relationship. He’s hiding from the world because something's wrong. And he doesn't want to talk about it.
On the other hand, how do you see yourself in the future - if he's in one of "those days" and you need him, will you be able to contact him to tell him you need help? No, he won't be there to help you.
3. Mommy Issues
There's a whole psychology lesson behind that one, but if a man has problems with his mother, this is a huge red flag for you.
You see, the mother is the image of a woman's figure in every man's world. The way he thinks of her, treats her and communicates with her, is the way he will do it with the woman he shares his life with.
We're putting aside every type of child abuse or mental illness issues, and we talking about a normal mother-son relationship. How does your guy treat his mom? Does he talk about her? To her? Do you feel he respects and appreciates her? Is she “annoying old lady” but "he still loves her"? You see the difference, right?
4. He Gets Easily Offended
Do you usually spend a half hour alone with your thoughts, preparing your speech in a way that won't hurt him? Even for the smallest things? Does he get offended very often when you talk to him? That's a huge red flag, girl!
We get offended when we believe the other's words are not meant to help us or to explain/resolve a problem/situation. We are offended because we don't think this person understands us, knows us and wishes us only good.
So, in other words, he gets offended every time because he doesn't believe in your good intentions and he thinks there's a selfish reason for you to say what you're saying.
That hurts, right? Unfortunately, it's true.
5. A Child
If your man has a child/children, that's an excellent way for you to see what type of a father he could be one day. Obvious, right? Let's dig a bit more if there’s a possibility for a red flag there.
Does he spend quality time with his child? Does he care about the way his child talks, thinks, acts? Does he require regular meetings, no matter what? Is he open to conversations about his child? Is he excited, proud, responsible?
6. Money Issues
Money issues are a huge red flag we often tend to ignore. Everyone has money issues, right? Even you, probably. But you're working on it, aren't you?
The psychology behind the money problems goes all the way from lack of organisation up to lack of direction for the future. If it's a lack of organisation, everything is fixable.
Many men refuse to take responsibility for their money making or money spending, and that means trouble for you.
The disturbing part is that you can see how he spends his money only after you start living together. Well, if you're determined enough, the signs are there long before that. There are a few ways you could find out without even asking him anything:
- The state of the place he lives could give you a ton of information - Is it clean, does it have everything we call basics of the typical household?
- If he admits he struggles with money, does he spend them on something else, like games, alcohol, cigarettes?
- Does he often "forget" his wallet when you're out? Or his debit/credit card accidentally stopped working exactly when you have these amazing plans for the day?
7. He Asks You for Money
If you are dating a man you have future with, he would never ask you for money. He would ask his friends or get a credit card or overdraft. He would do everything and anything possible not to reach out to you for financial support.
Let me tell you the ugly truth - his friends don’t give him money anymore, because he asked them way too many times for a few bucks... or he still owes them something from the last time he borrowed.
8. He Doesn't like to Talk over the Problems
Us, women, always want to discuss and talk about ... well, everything. Moreover, we overreact, create unnecessary drama and cry for... even we don't know why we cry sometimes. I agree with all that.
Yet, when your man cares for you, he will listen to what you have to say, he will try to understand you and make you see you overreact.. when you do.
However, when your man cares for you, he will not avoid talking about things that disturb you. He will not isolate himself while "the storm" goes away and you "forget" what's all about. You will never hear "there's nothing to talk about" when you put an issue on the table. If he does that, then you're in trouble because this is a huge red flag for your relationship. Save yourself!
9. Words Vs. Actions
Ok, you probably have heard about that one. Anyway, I will repeat it, just in case.
One of the most obvious and easy to see red flags is when Words meet Actions. Every relationship is based on trust. We give this trust at first for no reason, but the other's job is to prove he deserves it. That could happen only when what he says and what he does match.
No matter if it's about to change a bulb or to start saving money - when one says he'll do it, he must do it.
If he has the habit to promise things but to not do the action part, this is a huge red flag about your future as partners. Never ignore it, as it's not only skipped promise, it's a lack of respect as well.