Searching for the Big "O": Why You Aren't Finding It ...

It’s a beautiful and magical thing. You can spend your life looking for it and never finding it. You could be in the club along with plenty of members. This club is hardly exclusive - one in three women belong. What is this elusive but insanely good thing? Orgasm! So what’s the issue? Why is it so difficult for some women to achieve orgasm?

1. You Try to Get There Too Fast

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Women’s bodies tend to take an average of 20 minutes to really warm up and come to an orgasm, but some think they should get there in just a few minutes. This may be true for many men, but women rarely reach orgasm in this short amount of time. You might become impatient and think you have a time limit to arrive at this goal, and you don’t. You have to give yourself permission to take all the time you need, and even if you decide to hang it up and try again in a little while, that’s perfectly okay as well.

2. You’re Too Stressed

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With all the obligations that you take on, such as a demanding job, family responsibilities, and household maintenance, it’s no wonder you can’t seem to check those stressors at the bedroom door. The stress hormones tend to take priority in the body, and they won’t allow you to become aroused even if you feel like you want to really get into the fun. If your partner tries some relaxation techniques, such as giving you a nice massage, you might be able to overcome the stress hormones preventing your pleasure.

3. You Don’t Feel Good about Your Body

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As women we are notorious for putting ourselves down and feeling self-conscious because our bodies are not perfect. Sex, however, requires us to be naked in both physical and emotional ways, and there is no room for self-doubt to creep in and ruin everything. There have been several studies linking women’s inability to orgasm with the level of comfort they have with their own bodies. This seems to suggest you need to accept and love your own body before you can achieve orgasm with any regularity.

4. You Expect Your Partner to Figure It out

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One of the most common reasons why you can’t achieve orgasm is that you haven’t figured out what gives you pleasure. You probably put unfair pressure on your partner to figure out for you the things you should already know about your body. Some women are uncomfortable with masturbation and so have never explored their own bodies to find out the movements or touches that bring them to the glorious Big O. If you don’t know what you like, how can someone who is unfamiliar with your body know how to turn you on?

5. Your Partner Has a Sexual Problem

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Not achieving orgasm may not be 100% your fault, but it is still your problem, especially if sex is important to you. Nearly a third of adult males suffer from some sort of sexual issue, such as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. You may have tiptoed around the subject because you don’t want to bruise his ego, but he might interpret that like he has no obligation to seek help. Communicate with your partner about the importance of sex in your relationship, and ask him to seek help from a doctor. If not having good sex is a deal-breaker for you, gently let him know without being threatening, which could contribute even more to his sexual issues.

6. You Lose Your Focus

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You can want an orgasm badly enough that you actually prevent one. You might start analyzing if you’ll get the big O as the sensations start building, and focus on if you’ll get an orgasm instead of when. This is just a distraction, and achieving orgasm requires some focus. Clear all distractions that may allow your mind to wander, close the curtains, enjoy your partner’s actions, and focus on the sensations.

7. You’re Trying Too Hard

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Yes, it’s possible your quest to achieve orgasm is exactly what’s holding you back. You’re tense and you’re not relaxing. You’re concentrating too much on the destination rather than the journey. Sex can be very satisfying without the need to orgasm and honestly, if you enjoy sex yet you’ve never had an orgasm, don’t put too much store into trying to achieve it. But if you really want to find the back of the net, try changing things up a bit. Many women need to get into a good rhythm to relax and build toward an orgasm. Many women need stimulation of much more that their genitals, as well. Have fun trying!

Do you believe it’s possible to have a full and satisfying sex life even without achieving orgasm?

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