When you find yourself emotionally lost after a long-term relationship breakup, you might be wondering if things will ever get better. It can feel like you are drowning in a fierce sea of emotions especially when you weren’t expecting the relationship to end. If you need a bit of wisdom as you nurse your broken heart, I’m going to share with you a few things I learned in retrospect of my first long-term relationship breakup.
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1. We Are Not Friends
Although you may be on friendly terms with your ex, you are not true friends. It’s impossible to become friends immediately after a long-term relationship breakup while you are both reeling from painful emotions. Friendships can be formed in time but not until all romantic feelings have died. It’s common to hear an ex say that he still wants to remain friends but it’s only because he is trying to spare your feelings.
2. Impossible to Fight Rejection
If you are still deeply in love with your ex, you are going to want to try anything to bring her back in your arms. You might beg her to take you back. You might make promises to change whatever you think led to the demise of the relationship. You might try to convince her of the depth of your love and list all the reasons she should stay with you. But the truth is that this kind of post-breakup behavior only pushes them away and makes the situation worse.
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In desperation, it's easy to think grand gestures or continuous pleas might mend a fractured bond. But love cannot be negotiated like a business deal; emotions don't adhere to logic. Accepting rejection is a bitter pill to swallow, yet it's essential for healing. Clinging to hope where there is none can prevent you from moving forward and finding peace. Moreover, resisting the reality of a breakup only serves to prolong your pain. Acceptance paves the way for recovery and personal growth after heartbreak.
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3. Panic is Fleeting
You have been with this person a long time so you probably had dreams of the life that you were going to share together like getting married or having a family. But breaking up shatters all those expectations and leaves an awful anxiety about the future in its place. Fortunately, the panic will dissipate as you learn to live life without your ex. And all those dreams you had for the future can still be achieved but it will be with someone else.
4. Stop Comparing
Once you are ready to start dating again, you will automatically compare your date to your ex. You compare his sense of humor, the way he smiles, the way he dresses and any other of a million things. Comparing your ex to the present guy in such a way is pointless and a serious waste of time. It only cheats you out of happiness because you aren’t really giving the other guy a fair shot.
5. Pseudo-Relationship
There comes a point after a breakup where you might notice your ex acting just like you did when you were dating. He might play the role of boyfriend perfectly like he is there for you all the time, calls you pet names and spends time with you. If he initiated the breakup and doesn’t want to get back together, he’s using you to move on. This pseudo-relationship will only last until he finds someone new.
6. Verbal Crumbs during No Contact
Verbal crumbs are those random text messages or emails that you receive that say things like he misses you or is asking how you are doing. Verbal crumbs are always at your expense. The truth is that she is fishing for information that indicates you are still waiting for her so she can do as she pleases. The fact that she tosses verbal crumbs your way from time to time usually means she’s bored, has nothing better to do or hasn’t found anyone as awesome as you to date yet. When you respond and pour your heart out to her, she receives major boosts to her ego thus why you will get these messages when you least expect it.
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If you fall for these scraps of communication, you're essentially giving her permission to keep you on the backburner. It might be tempting to analyze every word, but remember—these messages are not commitments; they're mere distractions. Resist the urge to reply. Keeping the No Contact rule in this case is about self-respect. You deserve more than sporadic attention, and responding only sets a precedent that you're available for these mind games. Hold out for someone who will offer you a full meal, not just crumbs.
7. The Reality
If your ex wanted to get back together, he would say so. He would step up and admit that he made the biggest mistake in his life by letting you go. He would be willing to talk about the relationship such as the problems that caused you to break up and why he feels you guys should give it another try. Usually when he gets to that point, you have moved on and don’t even want him back.
Although it may feel like you will never find love like the one that you lost, its not true. You will love again and it will be even better the next time around. Can you share other things that you learned after a long-term relationship breakup?
Comments
Lavadee: It's a good article. I ended my 6.8 yrs marriage 3 months ago. I found out he was sleeping with a woman from NY who is almost 10 yrs older than him when I was out of town (KS). They were calling and texting each other secretly almost 4 months, and I knew nothing. They knew each other thru FB. It was hurting and angry at first, and I was cursing them a lot. I know at that time I was so bitching, but who know better than me. He betrayed me many times in the past, and I always forgave him. I moved back to my family in CA. He called, messaged, and said everything he could for another chance. I told him to move on. He did and moved to NY to live with the woman he was cheating on me. I heard gossips around FB friends we used to hang out that he was telling people I was cheating on him. I was so mad and hope karma will punish both of them. Not even 2 wks after he moved to NY, he called me again and started texting me a lot almost every single day. He said he's sorry. He said he's not happy and all were just faking on FB that they are happy. I didn't care much and didn't respond to his messages much cause I knew he is lying. Until last Sunday, we got into an ugly text fight. We called each B, I also called that woman B to him. He was very mad and told me to not call her a B cause she never named me. I blocked his number. After I was kinda sad and disappointed to myself. I should hold my temper and not responded to his messages. I miss him a lot I know deep down I still love him so much, but being together with him again I say no and will be no forever. I know time will help me, but I just couldn't take him off of my mind. I hate him so much. I don't know how long these bitterness, anger and hate I have for him will disappear.
Genesis: It gets so frustrating when you know that person isn't with you anymore, even if it's only receiving text messages, you feel you're still missing something and you seem so lonely. For me, it's the fact that I was so use to having him around and talking to him that when the time came for us to break up, it didn't really hit me after three months later when I would sit there and say "Goosh I really do miss his text messages". It's the fact of getting so use to a person that we have to learn to live life without them.
Maya: Was this stolen from another website? Just wondering because it switches from "he" to "she" sounding like more than one person wrote it
bemine: Over a month now since I broke up with long term boyfriend. It's hard, there is the roller coster of emotions... But all I can say is that time heals the wound! Just giving myself much more needed love and doing what I enjoy...
Leya: Thankyou for this article. Honestly it really made me cry. It enlightens me and i really learned a lot..more power to the writer :)
Lola: Disagree with number 6. Sometimes they don't ask for information about you just to boost their ego. Sometimes we do it cuz we are too ashamed to say that we want you back and we want to see if you feel the same. If your answers tells us that you want the same, then we have more courage to let you know we want to be together again. If you completely don't want anything to do with us again, then we spare ourselves the embarrassment.
Riss: My ex bf of 4 years and I broke up last November because he's unsure of how he felt about me. I regret breaking up with him and tried to work things out but he didn't want to. I was always the one contacting him and on Father's Day he texted me out of nowhere to see how I am. I asked his intention and he said he's checking in on me. I told him talking to him brings up feelings and I cut off all communication. It's been 3 weeks of no contact. I still want him back but I know We both need to experience something new since we are so young (23). Any one experience something like this before?
rose: Love this !!
Andrea: I'm currently in a 7 month relationship. It's a tough one, I'll admit to that. I lost my virginity to him, and I feel that's the main issue in why I'm still with him. He's a nice guy, ambitious, fun, lovable but we have trust issues... He's also 6 years older (25) and were definitely in different positions. He's almost done with med school and I'm still in college. We broke up 4 months ago, for a period of 5 days. He ended it bc "I didn't deserve someone like him, anger issues and emotionally abusive" but he still wanted to hang out and remain close friends. I went over to his town 3 days to pick up my stuff looking amazing with another friend, I picked up my stuff and then we all went to a bar and drank and next thing I know, we were hooking up and I woke up next to him the next day. I left, and for a day he didn't message me or call. I did and we decided to get back together since then things have been the same, he has gotten better in controlling his temper! But he doesn't show respect for me sometimes. He thinks that he's the only one who's stressed. Of school and work and he says so himself. I know there are good guys out there and that he's not the one" but I want him to, I just feel attached already and I don't know what to do. After he's done wih school he's planning on going back to California (his hometown) and were currently living in NY... Idk if I should keep this going on. I know that if I ended were gonna be done and never talk again, bc he's very manipulative and he'll make me come back.
23Hj: Thank you so much for putting this up! I am going through ALL of this right now, right from him still trying to be friends to the verbal crumbs, and it's not a nice place at all, but I'm picking myself up slowly and realising that life is too short to constantly be sad about such things....this post just motivated me to move on even more and realise that I have bigger, better things waiting for me, I just have to have the courage and faith to look up again...
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