A Girl's Guide to Surviving an Emotionally Abusive Relationship ...
By Lyndsie • 10 Comments
By Lyndsie • 10 Comments
Emotional abuse, like physical and mental abuse, is damaging, dangerous, and a disservice to you. You deserve better. Emotional abuse leaves scars that don't fade. It can hold you prisoner and keep you captive. You begin to feel like you deserve every ugly, unkind, disparaging word. You begin to think you deserve the abuse, that there's something wrong with you, and that this is the best you can do. You don't deserve the abuse. There isn't anything wrong with you. This is not the best you can do. You can get out of this. You can survive it. You can thrive through it.
This is the hard part. Emotional abuse comes in many forms. Your partner may outright insult you, may call you ugly or fat, tell you that you're a slut, that you're stupid. S/he may try to control what you wear, how you think, and who your friends are. Constant arguments, disparaging your opinions, insulting you, or simply shutting you out, never talking to you, and blaming you for all the issues in your relationship are all forms of emotional abuse. Mental and verbal abuse may come into play, as well. This type of abuse, unfortunately, takes many forms, some of which are subtle and insidious. You have to recognize the abuse and call it what it is. That's the first step in taking back your own power.
You do not deserve this. I mean it. You do not deserve it. You may be on the receiving end of this shitty behavior, but it has nothing to do with you. It absolutely sucks that you're taking the brunt of it, but abusers abuse. That's what they do. Your partner's behavior is all about your partner. There's something wrong with her/him, not with you. You've done nothing to deserve what's happening to you, not one thing. The issues lie solely with your partner for reasons you may or may not begin to understand.
The emotional abuse and the way it comes out are both due to your partner. However, that doesn't mean s/he doesn't have legitimate concerns, nor does it mean that your relationship is automatically a bust. First, you have to decide if the abuse is forgivable and if you want to work past it. If not, walk. Do what you need to gather up your courage, have your support system at the ready, and walk. If it's worth fixing, then you need to set boundaries. You have to let your partner know that the way s/he speaks to you is unacceptable. This might lead to …
Counseling truly is helpful. In cases of emotional abuse, there are several ways to use counseling to help you. You can go by yourself – to heal, to come to terms with what you went through, and to get your power back. You can attend sessions as a couple, as well, where you can learn how to set those boundaries, how to speak to each other, how to listen, and how to work together. Your partner can go by her/himself, too. That may even be a condition in your relationship because your partner needs to figure out what causes such vitriolic behavior. At the very least, that will also help all the people who may come after you.
Whatever you decide to do in your relationship, whether you decide to work on it or walk away from it, you have to watch the way you talk about yourself. Over time, when you're around someone who constantly puts you down and makes you feel less than what and who you truly are, you can start incorporating some of that into your own self-talk. Don't. You are none of the things your partner accuses you of being. You know your faults and your flaws, but I guarantee that none of them are unforgivable. None of them make you a terrible person, so don't talk to yourself the way you've heard your partner talk to you.
At first, it's embarrassing to tell other people that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. You worry that people will judge you, especially if you choose to stay with your partner. It's true. Some people might. The people who truly want the best for you will also be supportive, however. They're the people who will stand by your decision while holding you up, but they also won't stand for someone treating you badly. You need to trust your support system implicitly, which means that you need to be honest about what you're going through.
Abuse is all about power. Every type of abuse comes down to a need for power. The thing to remember is that you have power, too, even when you feel like you're at your weakest point. You have the power to tell your partner you won't stand for their behavior. You have the power to fight for yourself. You have the power to walk if you can't fix what's been broken – and there is no shame in that because you are not broken. The person who abuses you is broken.
Have you ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship? First of all, I am so sorry. Secondly, if you have stories or resources to share, please do.
Sources: breakthecycle.org, yourtango.com