Sleeping with someone – really sleeping with someone – is awesome. See, partnerships, long-term relationships, marriages, what-have-you … they're not all sunshine and rainbows. The two of you will deal with all sorts of petty little annoyances. Lots of them will exist not just in the bedroom, but in the bed – and no, believe it or not, the majority of the things your partner never wants you to do in bed have nothing to do with sex.
1 Eat Anything
If it crunches, squishes, or leaves crumbs, your partner doesn't want you to eat it. They may say they don't, but they're probably staring at the opposite wall, gritting their teeth in silence.
Frequently asked questions
2 Especially Sun Chips
It's the bag. That damn bag. It breaks the sound barrier. I am forbidden from ever eating Sun Chips in bed.
3 Put Something Somewhere It Shouldn't Go
You have to ask first! Don't stick a finger somewhere it's never been before unless you've asked. Ditto with penises and sex toys and things.
4 Make Them Sleep in the Wet Spot
Somebody's gotta do it. Nobody ever wants to.
5 Do a Dutch Oven
Completely understandable. That is gross and heinous and mean! Never Dutch oven someone!
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The old 'Dutch oven' trick—where you trap someone under the covers after releasing bodily gases—is a one-way ticket to Solitary Snoozeville. Not only does it lack any form of sophistication, it's a surefire way to put a dampener on any romantic spark. Let's keep the bedroom antics playful and respectful, folks. Besides, who really wants to be remembered for their, uh, aromatic pranks rather than their tender caresses and intimate whispers? Stick to the sweet nothings and steer clear of any not-so-sweet somethings.
6 Have Insomnia
Spend a night tossing and turning, and your partner's gonna let you know about it. Heather makes me go sleep somewhere else.
7 Suffer through the Flu
Heather … makes me go sleep somewhere else. You know. Heather's kind of a butt hole.
8 Steal the Sheets
What your partner probably does not realize is that the only reason you steal the sheets in the first place is because you're just trying to steal them back.
9 Throw All the Covers on Their Side
Yank too hard and this happens, though. No lie, either, this morning I woke up and I was buried in blankets. Heather got hot and threw all of hers onto my side.
10 Slip an Arm beneath You
Your partner hates doing this in bed. A lot. Know why? Because s/he loves cuddling up with you, but knows that this position will lead to a dead, lifeless arm.
11 Cuddle when It's Too Frigging Hot
STOP TOUCHING ME, IT IS HOT, YOUR LEG IS ON MY SIDE!
12 Play Games
Video games. Candy Crush. Anything that makes noise, basically. For example, never play GTA in the bedroom at two o'clock in the morning.
13 Watch TV
Well, okay, I get it. It can inhibit your sleep, it's loud, it's distracting, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14 Especially Adult Swim, Apparently
Anytime I want to mess with Heather, I leave the TV on Adult Swim all night. The second she hears the “Squidbillies” theme song in her sleep, she totally freaks out.
15 Leave Drool Puddles Everywhere
I don't do this. It's the dog. I swear it's the dog.
16 Sleep like a Starfish
Arms and legs flung to the four corners! Taking up all the space!
17 Smother Them with a Pillow
I don't mean attempting to commit murder, I mean when your extra pillow accidentally ends up smooshed on your partner's face.
