Sleeping with someone – really sleeping with someone – is awesome. See, partnerships, long-term relationships, marriages, what-have-you … they're not all sunshine and rainbows. The two of you will deal with all sorts of petty little annoyances. Lots of them will exist not just in the bedroom, but in the bed – and no, believe it or not, the majority of the things your partner never wants you to do in bed have nothing to do with sex.
If it crunches, squishes, or leaves crumbs, your partner doesn't want you to eat it. They may say they don't, but they're probably staring at the opposite wall, gritting their teeth in silence.
It's the bag. That damn bag. It breaks the sound barrier. I am forbidden from ever eating Sun Chips in bed.
You have to ask first! Don't stick a finger somewhere it's never been before unless you've asked. Ditto with penises and sex toys and things.
Somebody's gotta do it. Nobody ever wants to.
Completely understandable. That is gross and heinous and mean! Never Dutch oven someone!
Spend a night tossing and turning, and your partner's gonna let you know about it. Heather makes me go sleep somewhere else.
Heather … makes me go sleep somewhere else. You know. Heather's kind of a butt hole.
What your partner probably does not realize is that the only reason you steal the sheets in the first place is because you're just trying to steal them back.
Yank too hard and this happens, though. No lie, either, this morning I woke up and I was buried in blankets. Heather got hot and threw all of hers onto my side.
Your partner hates doing this in bed. A lot. Know why? Because s/he loves cuddling up with you, but knows that this position will lead to a dead, lifeless arm.
STOP TOUCHING ME, IT IS HOT, YOUR LEG IS ON MY SIDE!
Video games. Candy Crush. Anything that makes noise, basically. For example, never play GTA in the bedroom at two o'clock in the morning.
Well, okay, I get it. It can inhibit your sleep, it's loud, it's distracting, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anytime I want to mess with Heather, I leave the TV on Adult Swim all night. The second she hears the “Squidbillies” theme song in her sleep, she totally freaks out.
I don't do this. It's the dog. I swear it's the dog.
Arms and legs flung to the four corners! Taking up all the space!
I don't mean attempting to commit murder, I mean when your extra pillow accidentally ends up smooshed on your partner's face.
Oops. I need to go apologize to my wife.
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