Please, darling, read these words carefully and thoroughly….
I wanna ask something of you. The next time you're alone, or I’m asleep, I wanna ask if you will take the time to sit and write me a note. You don't even have to physically write it, you can type it here on our laptop and save it for me to look at if you prefer. This is extremely important to me because I feel like sometimes we communicate so much better this way. All I want is a heartfelt note, something that isn’t necessarily measured in length or quantity, rather something that displays a self-evident effort in its quality. In other words, you don’t need to fixate on telling me precisely the words I would like to hear (so to speak), just tell me SOMETHING.
You know what I mean. Say things you haven't been able to say, express yourself to me. It can be good, it can be bad, it can be everything in between or all of the above, it doesn't matter. I just.... this is something I've wanted for so long. It means everything to me. Our notes have revealed words that our mouths simply cannot vocalize. And I swear, I don't mean to pick on you when I say you don't talk to me. I know you do your best and I know how it is to get choked up on words or to have your voice held down, forcefully restricted by the intensity of emotion. I know how hard it is to spit out something that is seemingly simple. I promise you, I know what that’s like. I know that there are thoughts that for one reason or another, hurt to speak aloud. I mean, how can they not?
It already sickens you simply to think of yourself at times, so surely the pain nearly incapacitates your voice. In these scenarios, there is nothing I consider to be trivial or small or unimportant. Every detail, every word, holds the weight of the world. And it doesn't stop there. I know that it's a lot more than being unable or maybe even refusing to speak from your heart. I know just how much the soul and the spirit can ache from the same weight. I know the excruciating anxiety that accompanies every attempt to verbalize inexplicable feelings. It's frustrating and infuriating and a lot of the time, it's fucking maddening. Completely fucking maddening. Please believe me when I tell you I understand, please. I hold no expectations over you; I would never, at least not on purpose. I push your buttons, I know that as well. I don't mean to…most of the time.
There's a very small part of me, one that inconsiderately and tactlessly antagonizes you, so maybe, just maybe, you will let your guard down. And from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry for that. My behavior in that regard is completely irrational. Not only that, but it is unfair and also horridly mean. I am sorry for the trite callousness reflected in my words at times. I let my emotions rule me and that is not okay. The only sort of rationalization I can offer you isn't anything special, not really. Come to think of it, not in the least bit. In fact, if I'm not careful, it potentially treads within the territory of becoming an excuse. Make no mistake, I do not seek to excuse my wrongdoings. And in my endeavor to explain the whys and the ins and outs of my feelings, it is not my intent to point the finger at you. I just, I don't know really.
I get so worked up. I get worked up because you push me and encourage me to try and express my feelings so I don't have to carry the burden of repressed emotions day by day. You do it for me because you’re thinking of me, thinking of how you can help. But along the way, I feel cheated somehow. In those moments, I bare my soul to you. Even in my most incoherent, erratic states, I'm doing the unthinkable. I'm sharing these (sometimes) painfully unpleasant thoughts out loud and as I said earlier on, it can be absolutely maddening. In those moments, often I am defeated because I am my own worst enemy. Other times, for whatever reason, it is because you're unable to allow me access to the mirror parts of your soul. It showcases the double-edged sword of our similarities and polarities. They don’t always complement one another, unfortunately.
Because I am able to articulate my words, it’s almost as if I am not allowed the luxury of shutting down. And with you, I walk on eggshells to prevent you from ending the conversation before it even began. And as hard as that can be, it isn’t even the most difficult thing to accept. What rips my heart from my chest is the empathy. I am vividly and consciously aware of why you shut down. Before you, and even with you, I am the exact same way. The differences between us in that manner are scarce. Because I am able to articulate the eloquence of my words a bit more freely than yourself, that is why I am able to communicate with less inhibition. It doesn’t seem like much, but I realize that you must get frustrated because what little I am able to offer you in words, it’s still a luxury you don’t have. And I’m sorry I don’t always recognize that.
I love you so intensely that sometimes it’s volatile. The only thing I could ever hope to gain from this would be new, mutual understandings for what we go through as individuals. That is the best way we can move forward in this life and in our relationship. We have a bond of immense strength. We cannot let ourselves forsake one another or the foundation in which the fate of our relationship will forever live; in our ability and willingness to communicate.
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