Want to know about relationship mistakes that haunt most of us, women? So, I recently “accidentally” stumbled upon my ex's Instagram, as you would nowadays on social media. The feed featured pictures with his new girlfriend. “It's not even been a year!” - I thought to myself, while looking closely at the woman, trying to figure out if I knew her from before. No hard feelings, though. If anything, I'm happy he has finally found someone who gets him – although, weirdly enough, some pictures look a bit like altered version of the relationship we had... Just a different girl. But, oh well...
Then it hit me. It was right there, staring me in the face – 7 mistakes I made in that relationship, from going public too soon to rushing to labelling it right away, when we should have been both more focused on cementing our trust and getting to know each other. So, here it goes - classic relationship mistakes that are so hard to avoid the first time!
I get it. For the sake of “security” or maybe because some of us are control freaks, we rush into labelling a relationship. It makes us feel good. It makes us feel safe. We sort of seal the deal, before we even know who we are sealing the deal with. And while it might sound romantic to call him your boyfriend and have him call you his girlfriend, there are often not enough elements that would justify your choice, other than an initial romantic attraction. Exploring a relationship sounds too casual, we want to get serious and we want to do so quickly. We want to make the right choice, right now, without realising that it takes time to build up something. Believe me, don't be afraid to leave questions up in the air in the beginning. You don't have to have all the answers straight away. You don't have to come to a resolution immediately.
I used to listen to my girlfriends telling me that it's ok to just have fun, as I am a free and independent woman in control of her body, all for the sake of sexual revolution. Personally, I have found that sex often complicates everything. For one, it raises expectations, where there was none. Even if the guy actually wants to get involved in a romantic relationship, having sex brings an element of: “now we have to make it work”. Sex is about trust. Oftentimes, a lot of us are quick to trust the other with their body, before a real sense of trust and communication has been established.
If you think that meeting the one will magically make all pieces fall together, so that you don't have to lift a single finger to make things work, you are mistaken. To expect the other person to just get you and be able to anticipate your every whim is selfish and not realistic. No matter how strong the initial attraction is, you cannot just assume that things will just happen without putting a minimum of effort into it.
While some men are glad get the bill, there is something different when a woman puts her hand in the pocket. I am not saying that you need to pay for everything, but to assume that he has to get the check every single time, simply because he is dating you, is holding a certain type of expectations that build up a certain dependency vs a team spirit, and him knowing that he can count on you.
When you are uncommitted, the logic is – go on as many dates as possible until one of them magically stands out. My experience is that you will never be able to properly explore a connection with someone, if you don't focus on getting to know them. People are often not what they appear to be at first glance, even after 3 dates. You must be willing to give it a go, without putting pressure on it to work out an any cost.
If the slightest comment roughens your feathers, you might have expectations set too high and you are not allowing things to develop naturally, including things that you did not plan. When you like a person, it is not just about them liking you back. Oftentimes we get caught up in wanting to be liked or loved, we forget to ask necessary questions, like : does this person respond to my emotional needs? What do I like about them? How do I personally feel around them?
As I said previously, when I came across my ex's and his new girlfriend's pictures, it felt like reliving our relationship, only this time, there was another girl next to him. My ex and I, were one of those perfect Instagram couples, that call for the hashtag “goals”, because we always looked happy, we always looked in love, we always got countless likes. There was no doubt that we looked the part. He would write that he loves me and leave dozens of hearts under my pictures, I would do the same for him. We would pay attention to everything and everyone else, except to what was going on between us. In retrospect, I think that when you are so much focused on the outside, you forget to take care of the essential – your actual relationship. Eventually, when it begins to wear off, you end up staying longer for the sake of appearances. The first months and years are so important. And yes, I get it – when you are happy you want to broadcast your happiness on the world wide web, but having been there and done that, I would say that no amount of likes will make it work magically.
What did you learn from a previous relationship you won't do the next time around?