Fearing that your partner is having an affair is almost as bad as finding out they really are. Nothing can match or even come close to the emotional hell following discovery day after one's spouse/partner has had or is having an affair. When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING.
There is no easy fix for infidelity- at least not right away-however, your natural inclination may be to rage and scream and throw a fit. So if you're wondering what to do when you catch your partner cheating, read this information first. There are some dos and don'ts that can help you survive.
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1. Make Sure You Have Enough Proof/evidence before Confrontation
If you want to reconcile, make sure you know and have the full truth. (Trickle truth, lying, and manipulating are what really kill a person, not the act of infidelity itself).
2. Get Tested for STDs as Soon as Possible
Make sure your spouse or partner does as well and you get a paper copy of those results (you know, because cheaters lie). And also because it is against the law to expose someone to STDs knowingly. It is a felony. If need be, talk to your doctor about prescribing an antidepressant, just for a little while.
Frequently asked questions
3. If You Can Help It, Don't Contact the Other Woman
If things get out of control and you feel your life may be in danger, call the police and get a restraining order.
4. If You Are Going the Divorce Route, Get a Consultation
Go see 3-4 of the BEST divorce attorneys in your area. Just a consultation is enough, but if need be, hire the best of the four. Your cheater cannot use either one of them. Conflict of interest and all of that.
5. If You in a State Where Infidelity is "illegal", Make Sure You File under the Infidelity Clause
If your spouse/partner moves out for a certain amount of time you can also file under the abandonment clause.
6. Check Your State Laws
If you are in a State where Alienation of Affection is an offense, hire yourself a lawyer and sue the party that took your spouse's/partner's affections away from you. You'd be surprised at how many of these cases are actually won. It's real.
7. Try Not to Lose Your Cool
It will not end well, and you will feel even crappier after the "conversation". Remember that the other woman is like your cheating spouse and will lie and call you names in order to hurt you. Don't forget she wants YOU to leave your spouse so she can have them.
8. If Your Spouse Chooses to Leave the Marital Home, Let Him Go
Do NOT do the "pick me dance". Don't plead. Don't cry. Just let him go. In fact, help him hefty bag his shit and send him on his way. Why? Because only about 3% of "relationships" that begin as affairs "make it". Why such a low number? The odds have already been stacked against the cheater. What kind of relationship can two cheaters possibly have? There will always be mistrust and dishonesty. "If they can do it to with you, they WILL do it to you".
9. If You Want to Reconcile, Be Sure It Will Be Something You Can Live with
It's not impossible, but make sure it is what YOU want. Don't do it for the kids (because often times, older kids know, and you'd be surprised at how divorce won't bother them) do it in your best interest because you have to live with whatever decisions you make. The kids will be ok.
10. Seek Some Counseling for Your Self Because You Will Go through a Roller Coaster of Emotions
Someone must help you navigate through the emotions brought on by the affair and help you better navigate your "new" life. If you decide to reconcile, do NOT start with marriage counseling. Make sure your spouse/partner sees an individual counselor to find out why they did what they did. After that you can both navigate marriage counseling together. But marriage counseling, when done first, always muddies the waters and makes things more complicated. It's best to put it on the back burner and to explore yourselves individually first because you may decide that reconciling is not for you and you'd rather divorce.
11. Please Take Care of Yourself
Eat, drink (stay away from alcohol), and exercise (get those endorphin's going even if for an hour). Try to sleep as much as you can. Set aside time to ask your questions, whatever questions you want answered from your cheater. Have them write you a timeline. Matter of fact, have them write TWO. One basic and one very detailed, put them in two separate envelopes and you can choose which one you want to read. Remember, you cannot unread what you see. So think long and hard about this one.
12. You Are Trying to Get Yourself out of Infidelity
So get yourself out of it. When you draw a line in the sand, don't erase it and make another. Know when you've had enough. It's not easy. And it takes 2-5 years to heal.
13. This is Not a Sprint, It's a Marathon
Don't internalize your feelings. Feel them. They are VALID. Rage, be angry, be sad, and grieve. Don't be ashamed about something you didn't do. NEVER, EVER own your spouse's/partner's infidelities. It's not you, it's them. You can take responsibility for half of your marriage issues but NEVER the infidelity. It has nothing to do with you no matter what others say. Do not own that!
You are worth it!!
Life is hard, but infidelity makes it harder; however, you can get out of it and you can heal. It makes you stronger. And remember you're not alone.
