If you've been dealing with some problems in your marriage, you may be wondering if you should confide in a friend or family member. We all need to talk about our problems from time to time, but it's important to be very selective about what you discuss with other people. Did you know that talking about issues that you’re having in your marriage or complaints that you have with your spouse, may only make things worse? Here are some reasons why you should think twice before telling others about problems in your marriage.
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1. No Resolution
Most people don't feel that any harm can be done by talking about their marital problems. Usually they just want advice on how to resolve the problems that they are having. Sometimes they're simply looking for someone to listen to them, while they express their frustrations. Perhaps they just want reassurance that everything will be okay. Even if you have the best of intentions, talking about problems in your marriage may not resolve anything. You may spend hours discussing the problem only to find out that nothing gets fixed.
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Despite the inclination to seek solace outside the relationship, venting can actually entrench issues deeper. Unloading marital woes onto friends or family might serve as a temporary outlet, but it seldom offers the constructive feedback required for genuine problem-solving. In many cases, such discussions lead to a cycle of negative reinforcement, where the focus tends to shift towards the faults and shortcomings in the marriage, rather than seeking positive, actionable solutions that could facilitate reconciliation and progress within the relationship itself. It's a delicate balance between seeking support and reinforcing discontent.
2. Your Spouse May Find out and Feel Betrayed
My husband will admit that he doesn't like for others to know about things that go in our marriage. He feels that conversations regarding our marriage are private and should only be discussed between the two of us. I must confess to you that I have said negative things about my husband to others in the past. While I have admitted to my husband that I have spoken unkindly about him and apologized, I am sure that he felt betrayed by my actions. I now see that I should not say anything to anyone about my husband that I wouldn't say in front of him.
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Sharing personal details or problems about your marriage with others can lead to feelings of betrayal from your spouse. This can cause strain and mistrust in the relationship, as your partner may feel that you are not respecting their privacy and the sanctity of your marriage. In fact, studies have shown that couples who share intimate details about their relationship with others are more likely to experience marital dissatisfaction and divorce. It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse and work through any issues together, rather than seeking outside validation or advice. This will strengthen your bond and maintain trust in your marriage.
Frequently asked questions
3. It's Impossible to Get an Objective Point of View
If you're speaking to your mother or sister, it's going to be tough to get an objective opinion and that's understandable. Your family loves you and will be more likely to side with you. Even if it seems like someone is being objective, you should be careful of what you say. When you ask their opinion you're opening the door for them to express their feeling and concerns about your marriage and you may not like what they have to say. You may find that they have never liked your spouse and completely disagree with the choices you've made. They may also feel that they have the right to express their concerns about your marriage in the future, even if you don't ask for their advice.
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Confiding in close family members like your mom or sister about marriage troubles often leads to partial advice. They're naturally programmed to protect you, potentially clouding their judgment. This understandable bias means you may not get the pure insight you need to navigate the situation with clarity. If they reveal deep-seated issues with your partner, it could scar your relationship with them too. Plus, once you've involved them, they might feel entitled to comment on your marital status regularly, which can add unwanted pressure and strain future family interactions.
4. It May Become Public Knowledge
If you tell your mom about an issue in your marriage, she may feel like there's no harm in telling your dad or your grandma about the situation. If they decide to tell other people, you may have friends or acquaintances calling you to see what's going on in your marriage. This could leave you very upset with your mother and other members of your family. When you can, try to remember to only tell people information that you don't mind others knowing. It's also best to avoid talking to anyone about your problems who has a tendency to blow things out of proportion.
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Gossip can spread like wildfire, especially when it comes to the intricate details of a personal relationship. Before you know it, the entire family could be involved in what was initially a confidential matter. It's important to set boundaries and exercise discretion with whom you share sensitive information about your marriage. If not, you may find yourself fielding unsolicited advice or, worse, becoming the subject of family gossip, which can complicate an already delicate situation and add unnecessary stress to your relationship.
5. You Could Get Bad Advice
When you ask for someone's advice, it may not be what you want to hear. The person you ask may have a negative outlook on marriage because of their own situation. This may cause them to give you bad advice without meaning to. Also, if you're speaking with someone who doesn't like your spouse, they're likely to give you bad advice too. Always be careful if you think that the person you're speaking with could be in a similar situation because your conversation may cause them to start thinking that they have problem in their own marriage. There may also be times when the person you confide in feels that you are in the wrong and if you're not careful it could cause you to have hurt feelings toward them as well.
6. You're Not Presenting a United Front
While it doesn't matter what others think about your marriage, it's not good for people to think that your marriage is on the rocks. When you constantly bad mouth your husband or complain about problems that you have, it doesn't take long for people to start thinking that your marriage is in trouble. After a while, you may start to think that you have a bad marriage too. This could lead to disagreements that with your spouse that could have been avoided. When you present a united front and people see that you are happily married, they're less likely to attempt to cause problems in your marriage.
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Constant negativity about your spouse can foster an environment that fuels marital discord. Remember that the words you utter about your partner are reflective of the respect you hold for your relationship. Think twice before venting to others; try addressing issues directly with your husband instead. Opting for open communication and problem-solving together not only strengthens your bond but also affirms your commitment to each other in the eyes of both yourself and those around you. Creating such harmony can be a protective factor against outside influences that may otherwise sow doubt or uncertainty within your marriage.
7. You May Regret It
There have been many times that I've regretted talking about my marriage to people. I definitely regret speaking negatively about my husband. If you have to speak with someone about a problem you are having, try talking to your spouse first. If that doesn't help, perhaps you could try writing your thoughts down in a journal. This will give you a chance to think about the situation before discussing it with someone else.
I am a talker and I know first hand that there are times when talking with someone about your problems is the only option that you have. If you really need to talk to someone other than your spouse, be sure that the person you're confiding in is someone that you can trust. Have you spoken to someone about problems in your marriage and then regretted it later? I can't wait to hear your stories.
Comments
kasey: I don't it matters what anyone says.... People usually do whatever they want wether friends agree or disagree. All you need is support and someone listen to you vent. People usually look stupid when they pretend everything is ok, next thing you are moving out. My best friend is going though this.
Inna: these things are so smart i am a newlywed and this is amazing advice
eshazafar: when i talk to my family abt my husband who is really very busy and have no time for me they blamesme couz he gifted me expensive things that mean he is wonderful
Kuluwa: It's amazing advice,really like it
Christian: I told my mom about the fights me and my girlfriend get into many times right after it happens. I admitted to my girlfriend that I told my mom everything and what she said about it. she got really hurt and said she never wanted to see my parents or go over my house anymore. I kind of regret but sometimes I feel like I can't talk to her about it so I talk to someone else like my mom or friends
Cindy: Yeah I agree my dad has been listening to all the bull shit my sister tells him about her awful marriage.. And she wonders why dad doesn't like her husband lol
CyranoSCW: This is related to #5, but sometimes hearing about problems in your marriage can turn the other person against your spouse. I'll admit I don't think the same of my friend's husband since she told me he cheated on her. It's not my business, but many people get more upset when someone hurts one of their friends/family than they would if the same person hurt them...if that makes sense. No one wants to see someone they care about hurt. You might forgive but your sister may not.
CyranoSCW: This is on the "listener's end", but sometimes the things my friends talk to me about in their marriages give me a bad mental image. I'm pretty much an open book too, but I really don't want to know about their husband's low sperm count or how their husband doesn't flush the toilet when he uses it...ew.
Angela: Me I don't discuss anything about my marriage to anyone period I give to God.
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