All Women's Talk

Coping with the Most Common Issues in a Second Marriage ...

By Alicia

It is absolutely normal to have second marriage issues when you remarry. A second marriage has its own set of unique circumstances that create unique issues. The good news is that you can work through them. Second marriage issues do not have to be something that you can’t overcome.

1 The Ex That is around

One of the very common second marriage issues that couples encounter is problems because the ex is around. After being happily remarried for over ten years, I feel very confident in sharing this advice on how to handle this problem with you. Let your spouse deal with their ex. Learn to adopt a mantra of “Not my ex, not my problem.” Your life will be so much more peaceful for beginning this.

2 Competition between Step-Siblings

Competition between step-siblings can be an issue in second marriages. They can compete for attention, privileges or even to see who gets the most material things. Like all siblings, a level of competition isn’t abnormal between step-siblings. Try to see it as a sign of normalcy. Having a set of house rules for all children can be very helpful here, though.

3 You Don’t Feel like Family

Don’t be alarmed if you don’t feel like family right away. The truth is that you don’t have shared history with your step-children immediately. Don’t waste your time worrying over this. Instead, be proactive about building new memories together. It takes time to become a family but it will happen.

4 People Treat You as the Second Wife

Have you experienced people treating you or referring to you as the second wife? It can really grate your nerves, can’t it? I know because I have been here. But here is the lesson I learned in this situation: let it go. You know that you are the one and only wife and that his ex is history. And as long as you know that in your heart, it doesn’t matter what others are thinking.

5 Holidays Are Filled with Stress

Holidays can become very stressful when you are in a second marriage. Your stepchildren and perhaps your own biological children can only be with you a fraction of the time. What works here? Making the most of it. Start new traditions together and treasure the time that you do have.

6 You Don’t Have a Lot of Alone Time

This is a difficult issue in second marriages. Because one or both of you may enter into the marriage with children from a previous marriage, alone time is very scarce. What is a passionately in love couple to do in such a situation? Learn to honeymoon in a crowd. Don’t let your feelings be dulled by the fact that you are surrounded by little people. Another good tip is to invest in a lock for your bedroom door.

7 Ghosts from Marriages past

If you are married for the second time, you have more than likely encountered some ghosts from marriages past. You have scars from the hurts in your first marriage and that is understandable. But you have to separate that from your current marriage. Remind yourself, daily if necessary, that your husband isn’t your ex-husband. Remind yourself of all of his good qualities and don’t get sucked into the worry game.

What are some issues you have dealt with in your second marriage? How did you get through them? I would love to hear about your experiences.

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