Wondering the types of guys you'll find on Bumble? It’s not news that the dating scene has changed immensely in the past few years. I’m not even talking about from our parents’ time to now - I’m talking year after year, it’s always evolving. Did you know that according to a recent study by Statistic Brain, 17% of marriages that occurred last year were between couples who met online? Yeah. Wrap your wedding-themed Pinterest board around that. Rapidly becoming extinct are the days of the casual meet-ups, the boy-next-door fantasies, even the idea that you’ll meet your Prince or Princess Charming at a local bar and not just an unemployed 40-something on a neighborhood watch list.
So armed with that worldly knowledge and thoroughly disconnected from my ex (in all the modern ways: unfriending on Facebook, unfollowing on Instagram, changing his contact in my phone to “Don’t Call - You’re Drunk”), I dove into the slightly strange new world of online dating. That led me to all the types of guys you'll find on Bumble.
Now, I am a Capricorn, and with that comes a thoroughly analytical and research-minded approach to all endeavors. I am also pretty big on the idea of women taking back their own power, and maintaining control and a safe environment for themselves, and so finally decided on signing up for Bumble, where the initial contact lies in the hands of the woman. Since I’ve never been accused of being a shy person, making that first move would be no problem.
A glass of the finest $8/bottle Cabernet in hand, I settled in to set up my profile. I can tell you that there is a delicate balance of fun, down to earth, free-spirited, and career minded that is the ultimate goal. I’m sure I missed the mark spectacularly, but I did carefully curate my six profile pictures into six specific categories: an action shot, a “fun side” pic, a dressed-up shot, a cute selfie, me with my pup, and a casual candid of me outside in a sunlight landscape. You know, the usual.
So with a few finishing taps on the keyboard, I set myself and my newly available heart free, out there in the digital marketplace, and immediately readied myself to make snap swipe judgments on prospective beaus. As I’ve been on this adventure, I’ve browsed a bunch, messaged a number, and texted with a few. So as a thoroughly seasoned pro, now, allow me to present to you this field guide for the various types of male Bumblers you’ll most likely encounter:
Table of contents:
- the finance/legal bro
- the mystery
- the group photo junkie
- the various guys clearly only wanting quick sex
- the “punny” guy
- the emoji overuser
- the mystery kids
- the “nice” guy
- the well-educated man
- the 2004 will ferrell comedy/funny yelp reviewer
1 The Finance/Legal Bro
This one is an easy subject to spot and fairly common. They usually tend to cap their pictures at around three to four, but will 99% of the time start off with a suit and tie (occasionally ill-fitting) pic. Then you can be assured you’ll find a polo shirt in the next entry. That will be followed up with either another suit shot or one of him at a boozy brunch. The majority of the time, he will include photos of himself surrounded by numerous girls, presumably in an attempt to showcase his mating desirability and potential virility. Nine times out of ten, he will be white. This is just one of the types of guys you'll find on Bumble.
2 The Mystery
This guy will include anywhere from one to six photos but will not have written a single word in his profile. This makes it an automatic swipe left, as it’s super hard to start a conversation based on no information and a single selfie on his couch. He may or may not include his occupation.
3 The Group Photo Junkie
If all you include are group shots of people I could not pick out of a lineup, I’m automatically going to assume you’re either the most unattractive of the lot or a catfish.
4 The Various Guys Clearly Only Wanting Quick Sex
Let me save you the time and myself the carpel tunnel and just list the key phrases you’ll find in the bios of dudes all about that booty: “open-minded”, “not looking for a hookup”, any use of the winking emoji, “lover of crass humor”, “here for a good time not a long time”, “no games”, “will try anything once”, “looking for a fit girl”, “discreet”, “hehe” or “teehee” instead of a good old-fashioned “haha” or “lol”, “no judgement”, suggestive pictures (real talk - I have “bumbled” across a guy holding up a cut cantaloupe and pretending to finger it while winking), and a bunch more that I’ve not bothered to commit to memory.
5 The “Punny” Guy
He has at least one hastily googled pun, usually followed by “…get it?” or a laughing emoji, just in case you didn’t get it. Also, nine times out of ten, he is white.
6 The Emoji Overuser
His likes include: pizza, fish, volcano, drum set, house, monkey with hands over eyes, storm cloud, diamond, dog, tongue, robot, candle” Yeah. Solve that, Zodiac.
7 The Mystery Kids
Will have multiple pictures of himself hanging out with young children, but also of himself solo at bars, and it’s never addressed or made clear if the small ones are his own kids or belong to family members.
8 The “Nice” Guy
You know the type - asserts that he’s a really good guy, an old-fashioned gentleman, not a player like those other jocks and jerks, and why can’t girls these days appreciate that? Will most likely include a slightly Unabomber-y tirade against this app, girls on this app, and girls in general. Should trigger your ID Channel senses.
9 The Well-Educated Man
He went to college and likes wine and the Oxford comma. They always, for some reason, have to mention that they know what an Oxford comma is.
10 The 2004 Will Ferrell Comedy/Funny Yelp Reviewer
Has fake self-reviews by “ex-girlfriends” and “mom” and usually ends with a Ron Burgandy quote.
Now, all that said, you will also stumble across some pretty great guys! Describing these men is decidedly less humorous, as they typically don’t have a trademark defining characteristic, but I want you to be undeniably prepared. Bear in mind, this is still totally subjective, but these are some traits I’ve found my best dates to have had on their profiles:
Cliché, but a pet picture. Not one that is clearly designed as profile picture bait, but a genuine one. If they’re kind to animals, they generally tend to be less jerky. At least one picture with a genuine, warm smile. Pride in their job. Shared trivial interests: does he like the same books/music/movies as you?
For me, showing an interest in being outdoors, either in photos or in words. This can be applied, though, to any activity or personality you deem important. Like chilling at home? Look for cozy, home shots. Into committing crimes? Check for a Snapchat screenshot showing their clocked speed while driving! (Legal disclaimer - that was a joke.)
So that’s all, fellow single-ladies-who-haven’t-had-a-ring-put-on-it. Dating certainly is a more complex activity than when we were all fresh of face and sunny of disposition in high school. The bright side, though, is my extensive Amazon Prime online shopping experience is now being put to good use. Remember: keep it fun, be safe, and go out there and get that date!
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