You caught your partner cheating and now there are some signs your relationship isn't surviving the affair. You decided that you love him and had already invested so much in the relationship that you wanted to stay and make it work. Some relationships can survive and even thrive after an affair but, others are irreparable. Here are ten signs your relationship isn't surviving the affair.
Table of contents:
- you're still checking their phone
- you're still bringing it up
- this wasn't the first time
- you're comparing yourself to the other person
- you keep asking the same question (hoping for a different answer)
- his/her apology wasn't sincere
- rushing you to get over it
- putting the blame on you
- you were already unhappy in the relationship
- the affair was emotional
1 You're Still Checking Their Phone
One of the biggest signs your relationship isn't surviving the affair is if you're always checking his phone. When couples decide to stay together after one half of the duo steps out, giving the other person access to your phone, email, and social media is a pretty common way to quell the fires of untrust. It's a nice gesture and will definitely make you feel more secure for the moment. However, this is not sustainable behavior long-term. If it's been a few months since the indiscretion and you're still on his phone like white on rice it's time to move on. Your partner will become tired of the lack of privacy and you'll drive yourself crazy.
2 You're Still Bringing It up
Absolutely, talk about it! Make yourself heard. But, after you've been heard there will come a time when you have to let it go if you want to stay in the relationship. If a debate about what's for dinner leads to you mentioning the affair (i.e. "I bet you took her out for sushi too.") better to let this relationship become a part of the past, rather than continuing to live in it.
3 This Wasn't the First Time
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. If this isn't the first offense, 'once a cheater always a cheater' will be on repeat in your head by now and he's proving you right.
4 You're Comparing Yourself to the Other Person
If you find yourself competing in your own mind against the relationship infiltrator (who looks better, cooks better, has more fun) that's not healthy for you and it keeps the twosome a threesome.
5 You Keep Asking the Same Question (hoping for a Different Answer)
When news of an affair first breaks we want all the deets who, what, where, when, why. If your questions have already been answered and you re-ask them, the partnership is donezo. Sometimes the truth isn't that satisfying, but it's all there is.
6 His/Her Apology Wasn't Sincere
If you just get sorry and a shoulder shrug, kick em to the curb.
7 Rushing You to Get over It
You need adequate time to recover from such a crushing blow. If your SO is irritated that you're still upset, that's not cool. Only you know how long it will take you to feel emotionally safe in the relationship again. If you're hearing things like "get over it" or "come on that was so long ago, I said I was sorry," you may need to be by yourself to heal properly at your own pace.
8 Putting the Blame on You
They messed up! Bigtime! They should accept accountability for their actions. If the offending partner puts the blame on you by saying you did something that drove him to cheat or that you didn't do something you should have, realize he has a lack of remorse and it's not worth sticking around.
9 You Were Already Unhappy in the Relationship
Sometimes affairs totally catch the betrayed partner off guard. They're left saying " I thought we were happy?" If that's the case you are more likely to be motivated to work to return your relationship to its former glory. Other times, you've been distant and frustrated for a while with a lot of needs going unmet. If an affair happens at that point it will probably be the death blow. Why invest any more in plummeting stock?
10 The Affair Was Emotional
The first question a betrayed partner usually asks is why? The second question is "Did/do you love her/him? sharing their body with someone else is bad enough but for some reason sharing their heart seems so much worse. A drunken one time fling can be written off as a lapse in judgment. Sharing I Love you's, making memories, and future plans signifies a greater attachment. There is only supposed to be one key to their heart and you were the holder of that key. If everyone has a key, what's the point?
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