Are there signs he is not worthy of your love? We’ve all been there. You’re crying. You’re watching "The Notebook." You’re questioning everything about your relationship.
You can’t figure out whether you’re being paranoid or if you really are trapped in an unhealthy situation.
Here are six signs he is not worthy of your love and that you need to run for the hills!
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He Alienates You
One of the biggest signs he is not worthy of your love is that he alienates you. An emotionally abusive partner will keep you away from your friends and family because he doesn’t just want to be your number one, but wants to be your only one. Even more than that, your partner knows that your friends and family care about you. He knows that if he's treating you poorly, those people will tell you. He needs you to be so caught up in him that you won’t listen to anyone else who is trying to help you out.
If your partner gets upset when you have a girl’s night or constantly asks who you’re texting and why you’re texting when you’re with him, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. Especially if those friends he's trying to get you to cut off are telling you that you need to find someone who treats you better.
It’s hard to listen to someone you love be talked down on by your friends and, of course, sometimes your friends are wrong. But, most of the time, they just want what’s best for you.
He Guilts You
Whether it’s being a little bit late to your date, or you share some feelings that he doesn’t like, it will always be about him. You feel like he's suffocating you? To him, it doesn’t matter how you feel. It matters how your feelings make him feel. Can you imagine your partner saying, “Why don’t you want to spend time with me? Do you not love me anymore?” If you can, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.
If you get a promotion, he's not happy for you. He's upset because you won’t be able to see him as much anymore or now you make more than he does. If your sister is coming to visit, he doesn’t care that you’re excited to see her. He's angry because it’s inconvenient. If you’re feeling sick, he doesn’t want to take care of you. He's frustrated that you have to bail out on your plans with him.
He doesn’t care about your intentions or whether you’re genuinely at fault; he just wants you to know that it’s his feelings that matter. Not yours.
He Needs Control
Abusive partners are all about controlling you and the relationship. He’ll check your texts, he’ll stalk your social media and question everything you do, and he’ll need to know where you are and who you are with at all times. Part of it is a lack of trust, and part of it is feeling so insecure that he needs to control your every move to make sure the direction you are going isn’t away from him.
Sometimes, his control can be misconstrued as affection. He doesn’t want you talking to certain people? It’s because he just loves you so much and gets so jealous of your best friend or your coworker. He follows you around to all of your girl’s nights or feels the need to check in every two minutes. It’s because he just wants to be with you. What’s so wrong with that? He makes you change because your dress is too short? It’s just because he finds you so attractive and he doesn’t want anyone else to see what’s his.
You want to believe him. You know he genuinely cares about you. But that just isn’t the way to show it.
He Has a Temper
Of course, it’s normal to have and express emotions. It’s a huge part of being in a healthy relationship. But when those emotions are irrational and turn into screaming and insults, that’s not normal. You should try to be understanding of your partner and his feelings, but there is a line, and there are a lot of partners that don’t bat an eyelash at crossing it.
You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid of setting him off. Sure, it’s easier to go along with what he wants so he doesn’t get upset, but it’s not fair to you. His temper is not your responsibility. If he starts screaming at you because you came in a little late from work, that’s not your fault. If he throws a lamp at the wall because you forgot to pick up dinner, that’s not your fault. If he starts swearing at and insulting you because you didn’t clean up while he was gone, that’s not your fault. He will make it feel like it is. He’ll make you feel like you’re the worst partner in the world and you’re just lucky he's staying with you. But it’s him.
Never, under any circumstances, should your partner lay a hand on you out of anger. Whether it’s grabbing your shoulders and screaming in your face, or hitting you, or pushing you, it’s is not acceptable. It doesn’t matter how many times he apologizes. It doesn’t matter if he promises it won’t happen again. It doesn’t matter that he acts like an absolute saint afterward. It will happen again, and it will get worse and worse. Even if it’s just a threat. Your partner is supposed to love and support you, not threaten or hurt you.
If you need help because you think you’re physically in danger if you leave, please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The National Domestic Abuse helpline has advice and resources to help keep you safe.
Everything is Your Fault
One of the most hurtful things an abusive partner does is kill your self-confidence. Sure, in the beginning, he's charming and talking about how “not like the other girls or their crazy exes” you are. He's professing his love after a couple of weeks because he's “never felt this way before.” But, at some point, he turned you into the enemy, and he's your victim.
He’ll somehow always twist a situation to make it your fault. He’ll make you feel stupid and cruel and like you don’t deserve him. He's screaming at you because you just make him so angry. He cheated on you because you were distant, you weren’t taking care of yourself, you weren’t spending enough time with him. The list goes on and on. He didn’t talk to you all day because you took too long to respond once.
It doesn’t matter if it’s his fault, he will always make it yours. He's the victim and you’re the big bad girlfriend that is just lucky that he sticks with you.
Sex Isn’t an Option
We’ve heard a million times on family sitcoms that we shouldn’t be pressured into sex. But it gets a lot more complicated when it’s someone you love that is pressuring you.
He’ll tell you that you don’t really love him if you won’t take it to the next level. He’ll tell you that you’re being a bad girlfriend if you’re not in the mood. He’ll tell you that you need to “just take it” if they’re hurting you during the deed.
He’ll tell you all of these things because he thinks your body is his. He thinks that he controls it and should have access to it at all times. But it is your body. And you can do whatever you damn well please with it.
The Bottom Line
It’s hard. When you start to notice red flags in your relationship, it’s easy to ignore them because he has some good qualities and you love him. It’s hard not to get angry with your friends when they start to point out what he’s doing to you and that you’ve changed. Because you love him. And maybe he's not doing it on purpose. But, you need to take care of yourself.
Of course, no relationship is perfect. Everyone has their flaws and their nasty fights. But if you’re constantly feeling down on yourself and on the verge of tears, or seething with anger and a migraine on a daily basis, that’s just not healthy for you.
You’re strong and you’re beautiful. You’re caring and loyal. You deserve someone that can love you in a way that doesn’t hurt you. It might seem like he's the only one, but he's not. You can find someone else, and you can be happy. You deserve it.
Are there any other red flags you have noticed in your relationships that you don’t want anyone else to miss?
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