There are some signs your partner is controlling and you should definitely be on the lookout for them. A controlling man isn't someone you want to be stuck with because this kind of relationship never goes well. Stubborn men aren't necessarily controlling, but it's a good idea to know the difference. Here are some signs your partner is controlling.
Table of contents:
- he picks everything
- he’s devilishly charming in public
- he’s jealous of your time
- you’re starting to feel alienated
- he withholds his love
- your alienation gets worse
- you start to question yourself
- you realize you’re stuck in a hellish pattern
- you reach breaking point
- when it's someone else
1 He Picks Everything
One of the biggest signs your partner is controlling is that has to be in charge of everything. That includes what movie you watch, where you go to eat, when it’s time to leave social settings. And he doesn’t leave much room for debate. You thought it was sexy at first when he would order for you because it’s sexy when a man is all macho. But there is a difference between taking charge and being controlling.
2 He’s Devilishly Charming in Public
He's smart, funny, charismatic. Your friends love him and you love how it feels to be his girl. He showers you with praise and attention, and from the outside looking in you two are so in love and ridiculously happy. He does this well, and it’s important for later.
3 He’s Jealous of Your Time
He hates it when you look at your phone, and instantly has to know who you’re talking to. He doesn’t like it when you make plans to be with your friends, even friends that have been there way before him. Basically, he doesn’t like any of your plans that don’t include him. Which brings us to the next one.
4 You’re Starting to Feel Alienated
You may not have seen it happening in real time because he’s so good at being in control, but you really can’t remember the last time you saw your friends. And the more time that passes, the harder it is to reach out because you feel like you’ve been quiet for so long. So you’re stuck in limbo. Be very careful, because this is all by design. Notice that now it feels like he’s all you have, and that’s exactly what he wants.
5 He Withholds His Love
He does this as a form of punishment. Maybe you stay out too long or don’t satisfy his exact need at that exact moment, so he makes his displeasure clear by punishing you. But not in a provable or tangible way because he’s too smart for that. Rather he begins a psychological warfare that is so much worse. He becomes distant, and you feel him pull away. Naturally you want his love and favor back so you engage and start emotionally begging. He tortures you until he’s satisfied that he’s firmly in control of you, and of everything.
6 Your Alienation Gets Worse
You don’t know how to reach out to anyone, not only because it’s been so long since you did, but also because you don’t think they would believe you. Remember when he was being so amazing in public and all your friends thought you had it made? Well, he was setting you up for this step. Now you’re too scared to shatter the facade, and you’re too scared to seem like you’re crazy. And you know he’ll deny it, and the saddest part is your friends and the world have evidence of him being amazing, but absolutely none of the abuse.
7 You Start to Question Yourself
So you’ve gotten over the rough patch and he’s back to being amazing and loving again. What just happened? Are you crazy? Did you imagine the entire change in his behaviour? Maybe it’s your hormones? So you forget the whole thing and live happily ever after until...
8 You Realize You’re Stuck in a Hellish Pattern
He loves you, he loves you not. There’s no one to tell. You’re all alone. You work for his love. It doesn’t work and you feel awful. Then suddenly it works and you feel worthy and wonderful again. He loves you once more.
9 You Reach Breaking Point
This is different for everyone. It depends on how much you can take, how honest you’re able to be with yourself and how forcefully you can remind yourself that you deserve love. First and foremost from yourself. This is a the best place to be in (if you must go through this). Now that you’re really looking at the situation (you are being abused) and the person (they are abusing you) for what they really are, you can make the hard decisions. Cut him out of your life, pick up the pieces and rebuild.
10 When It's Someone else
This is not so much a step as it is virtual hug through text. If any or all of these steps are some you recognise, either in your own life or that of someone close to you, I want you to know that you’re gonna be okay. But it won’t just happen. You have to get rid of the person hurting you, so you can do the long hard work of healing. If it’s a friend, they need you now more than ever. Understand that they may not yet be ready to accept your help and love, but don’t give up on them because the day will come when they need you desperately and all you need to be is there. Don’t guilt them about disappearing on you, just be there. They’ve already been through more than you’ll ever know.
The good news is, if you can get yourself out, you’ll be stronger than you ever were and nobody will ever be able to make you go through that again. Because you won’t let them. We’re all gonna be okay...
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